I'm slowly realizing that most adults in this day and age do not have the long-term and in-depth friendships that I assumed. This is not a diss to new friends at all, or anyone else. Rather to address something that has me so thankful for my friends. Whether new or old, because there are many I consider family at this point from all "eras" of my life.
Everyone is unique, and I am no exception. Most people are completely surprised to learn that I'm actually more introverted than I am extroverted. Not bragging, but I have never struggled to make friends, although I often assume I will. Frequently, I will be anxious in social situations, but for the most part, I trusted myself and my upbringing/manners/charm to see me through. I also prefer the company of a few people to several, and I need lots of alone time to recharge my batteries. I HATE crowds, any large, noisy group. Which is funny, because sometimes I'm a commotion, all by myself. This is something I've always understood, accepted, and attempted to explain, but now, I just take for granted. I'm seen as miss social director, miss social butterfly. And I have what I feel are circles of friends. Sometimes I worry because I don't have one cohesive circle. Many of my "circles" have collided in the past, so it's not always a length of friendship type-thing. Often, I will have very close friends whom have never met each other, even though I confide in them and talk to them the same way. The opportunity has just never presented itself for them to actually meet.
I have friends who I have been friends with my entire life, since primary school and we were practically raised together. I count some of them as my "best" friends and I know their parents as if they are my own. But I can also state, with some regret, that it wasn't until at least my 20's, that I really trusted people, so I'm glad we had a history and they stuck around to see and love the person I am today and we can continue our bond.
My friends in college saw another side of me, as I slowly opened up. When you're living with people, there's lots you can't hide about yourself, your habits, your dreams. So my friends from college were the first to see glimpses of the un-censored, non-politically correct me. The first to see and accept me being upset or mad, the first that I talked about relationships with, the first people I really "let go" with.
Let's call the present day as my late-20's, early-30's. Here is where I decided to let it "all hang out". Where I was not going to care because I had friends and family who I had begun to trust (finally), and I didn't need to be anything else. I would tell anyone who cared enough to ask the truth about anything. This was and still is a huge step for me, because I am so guarded. But in my old-age, I'm learning to appreciate my friends' advice and involvement in my life, and that it's much easier going through life being honest.
And in between you have coworkers, grad school buddies, and friends who have fallen in multiple circles. Those with whom I've instantly hit it off with because we're practically the same person, I or share some odd affinity or situation with, the people you've worked long or late hours with, the ones you trust completely. The friends who've hit it off with other friends and it's hard to remember a beginning or end.
When I think about it, so many of my friendships were unintentional. One night out with the Stooges, we tried to figure out ages, where/when we became friends, where we had all been at a certain dates in time. It was odd to think that a few short years ago, we didn't know each other, considering what we know and how we act together now; we wished we had been friends sooner, to celebrate some important life events together, but obviously we can't go back. And in a different "circle", one of my friends' husbands can't believe the length of time we've been friends, since it spans so much more than 20 years at this point.
The important thing to remember is to above all, be yourself. Even if you are shy or anxious, as I am, you will find coping mechanisms and like-minded people. Be willing to make friends and trust them just a little. It's worth it. Also, don't worry when or how you've met someone or how long you've been friends. That's not important. As Ralph Waldo Emerson, one of my favorite writers, once said, "It's not the length of life, but the depth of life." It is the same with your friends.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
The New Economy?
I know it's been a long time since my last post. I've been keeping myself pretty busy lately! Unfortunately, it's not all fun and games though. Lately, I've been lamenting the fact that at 30, I felt as if I were living like a college student. I picked up a second job; my free time (and sleep time) has taken a huge hit. Suddenly, it's been harder to get housework done, or do fun things after work with my friends. And as with any lifestyle change, you get a little anxious.
So I couldn't help but start remembering my college days, when I never went on Spring Break with my friends, and how by March I had always run out of work-study funds, ran up credit cards, couldn't get a job at the mall, and was desperately worried about the future. I actually think I was pretty depressed during my senior year, as I compounded my problems and insecurities in my mind. I felt like a huge failure and as if I would never get anywhere in life. I ran home or into the arms of my high school friends several times because I was so stressed out. My dad had many heart to heart talks with me when I would get too bad and bailed me out several times.
These days, I carry very little debt outside of my car and student loans, which are plenty enough. I think I learned my lesson about the credit cards. I also don't depend on my student ID card for my groceries, have a dog (or two) that depend on me, I live in and have furnished a 3 bedroom house, not a dorm room or apartment, etc. But I guess I was a little frustrated when I realized that it was really in my best interests to get a second job. I was a little ashamed, feeling like a woman at my age and level of education should not need a second job. But really, there is no shame in wanting to have more spending money, money to make much needed home improvements, money to start saving. I love my job, my colleagues, and my institution. But the reality of my chosen profession is that it's not one that ever made anyone rich. So right now, while I'm young and able, I need to be as debt free as I can and save as much as I can. I need to stop being so stubbornly proud and invest in my future.
But what really changed my outlook, came today when I was on reddit, and I saw a discussion that turned out to be nothing like I thought it would be. Under the Ask Reddit category, someone posed the question, what is the craziest thing you've done to save money (or something to that effect)? I clicked on it, expecting to see that there would be a few troll answers, such as "prostitution" or "the mafia". But in my mind, I was thinking, "Oh yeah! Maybe some new recipes with bulk foods, or tips like re-using ziplock bags!" I was hoping to add some tips and tricks into my more minimalist, healthy, frugal lifestyle.
What I saw instead, were people who had gone without, taking home their free lunch from school to share with their little siblings, people who couldn't afford toilet paper, people who couch surfed or had been homeless, people who had bundled even the littlest twigs to use as firewood because they couldn't afford to plug in their only other source of heat. Some people were really ashamed about the things poverty had forced them to do. But really, a lot of them were remembering their childhood and/or times when they had no control over whatever their situation had been.
I read their stories; I felt their shame and desperation, and also I realized, I might be just making ends meet, but I was never going to be hungry. I was never going to be homeless. So what if I go without vacations, designer anything, HBO, granite countertops; I will be okay. Some of the people who posted in that discussion, they are only alive today because someone was kind enough to give them food or shelter at some point in their lives. I am very lucky to have family, friends, skills, education, two hands and two legs. For the foreseeable future, I can work, I can bring money into my household. Sure things get tight and I have to stick to the basics once in a while, but let's face it, no one really NEEDS brie cheese or a new pair of shoes to survive. Suddenly, I gained a whole new perspective because I was reminded of the difference between needs and wants, between surviving and living. And I am much closer to the "living" side of the spectrum, for which I am grateful.
I know I'm not the only one who has picked up or is thinking about a second job. It was something I thought about for the better part of a year before I finally started. And really, so far, it's been pretty good. I got a part-time job at a clothing store I frequent, where I already knew some of the other people and I knew they were short-staffed. So I get to help them out, I get a discount, and I make some extra money to put towards concert tickets, wedding presents, things for the house and so on. So my advice is, if you're thinking about a second job, do it. Sometimes I'm tired or I feel like a bad friend because I don't have as much time, but I'm learning to balance things and in the end, when I've paid down some debt and have some other things done, it will be so worth it.
So I couldn't help but start remembering my college days, when I never went on Spring Break with my friends, and how by March I had always run out of work-study funds, ran up credit cards, couldn't get a job at the mall, and was desperately worried about the future. I actually think I was pretty depressed during my senior year, as I compounded my problems and insecurities in my mind. I felt like a huge failure and as if I would never get anywhere in life. I ran home or into the arms of my high school friends several times because I was so stressed out. My dad had many heart to heart talks with me when I would get too bad and bailed me out several times.
These days, I carry very little debt outside of my car and student loans, which are plenty enough. I think I learned my lesson about the credit cards. I also don't depend on my student ID card for my groceries, have a dog (or two) that depend on me, I live in and have furnished a 3 bedroom house, not a dorm room or apartment, etc. But I guess I was a little frustrated when I realized that it was really in my best interests to get a second job. I was a little ashamed, feeling like a woman at my age and level of education should not need a second job. But really, there is no shame in wanting to have more spending money, money to make much needed home improvements, money to start saving. I love my job, my colleagues, and my institution. But the reality of my chosen profession is that it's not one that ever made anyone rich. So right now, while I'm young and able, I need to be as debt free as I can and save as much as I can. I need to stop being so stubbornly proud and invest in my future.
But what really changed my outlook, came today when I was on reddit, and I saw a discussion that turned out to be nothing like I thought it would be. Under the Ask Reddit category, someone posed the question, what is the craziest thing you've done to save money (or something to that effect)? I clicked on it, expecting to see that there would be a few troll answers, such as "prostitution" or "the mafia". But in my mind, I was thinking, "Oh yeah! Maybe some new recipes with bulk foods, or tips like re-using ziplock bags!" I was hoping to add some tips and tricks into my more minimalist, healthy, frugal lifestyle.
What I saw instead, were people who had gone without, taking home their free lunch from school to share with their little siblings, people who couldn't afford toilet paper, people who couch surfed or had been homeless, people who had bundled even the littlest twigs to use as firewood because they couldn't afford to plug in their only other source of heat. Some people were really ashamed about the things poverty had forced them to do. But really, a lot of them were remembering their childhood and/or times when they had no control over whatever their situation had been.
I read their stories; I felt their shame and desperation, and also I realized, I might be just making ends meet, but I was never going to be hungry. I was never going to be homeless. So what if I go without vacations, designer anything, HBO, granite countertops; I will be okay. Some of the people who posted in that discussion, they are only alive today because someone was kind enough to give them food or shelter at some point in their lives. I am very lucky to have family, friends, skills, education, two hands and two legs. For the foreseeable future, I can work, I can bring money into my household. Sure things get tight and I have to stick to the basics once in a while, but let's face it, no one really NEEDS brie cheese or a new pair of shoes to survive. Suddenly, I gained a whole new perspective because I was reminded of the difference between needs and wants, between surviving and living. And I am much closer to the "living" side of the spectrum, for which I am grateful.
I know I'm not the only one who has picked up or is thinking about a second job. It was something I thought about for the better part of a year before I finally started. And really, so far, it's been pretty good. I got a part-time job at a clothing store I frequent, where I already knew some of the other people and I knew they were short-staffed. So I get to help them out, I get a discount, and I make some extra money to put towards concert tickets, wedding presents, things for the house and so on. So my advice is, if you're thinking about a second job, do it. Sometimes I'm tired or I feel like a bad friend because I don't have as much time, but I'm learning to balance things and in the end, when I've paid down some debt and have some other things done, it will be so worth it.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
An Open Letter to All College Students
Dear College Students of America,
What an interesting time in your life, to be legally an adult; able to vote and live and die for your country. To be able to enter into marriage and other contracts, or poison your body with cigarettes. All without parental consent. To have all of that freedom and all of those "perks", yet somehow not all the responsibilities. You don't feel like a kid. You're all grown. You wear what you want, you don't have a curfew, you probably even have friends who live off-campus in their own houses or apartments. Maybe you are even one of those off-campus people who "lives on their own".
I'm here to give you a wakeup call. Being a real adult is more than just an ID card that says you're 18 or 21. It's more than even just having a job or paying some bills. It's perspective. It's the way you think about and relate to the world around you. The troubles you have now will go away, but they will be replaced with bigger ones.
I want to see you as an adult, I really do. First of all, legally, you are one. And sometimes I see so much of myself in you; you're energetic, creative, fun, sometimes surprisingly insightful and compassionate. For the most part, you bring a lot to my life and you make me a better person, which I'm greatful for. But it's really hard to see you as a grown up sometimes. You don't have patience. Like Veruca Salt, you want it all, and you want it now. You focus, sometimes even obssess, over things that don't matter. You're unprofessional, from showing up late to class to wearing leggings to the Career Fair.
Being as involved on campus as I am, I get the opportunity to observe you every step of the way. How are you are in class, in clubs, doing service projects, participating in professional development. And let me tell you, despite that I still believe you have good intentions, you miss the mark a lot:
1. You blame others for your problems. You know who does that? A child does that. A grown up accepts responsibility and learns from their shortfalls. None of us are perfect. Never screwing up doens't make you an adult, and refusal to accept that makes you look even more immature.
2. While you blame others for your mistakes, you're also less than gracious when others make mistakes. Everyone these days is busy, stretched too thin. Yet, you only see a person in relation to what you want from them, not the whole of that person. And when things don't go your way, my, do you ever criticize. You are the first to point it out and you're less than kind or tactful about it. Don't forget that other people have feelings, too.
3. You get angry about the most asinine things. I'm sorry, but winning Greek Week does not get put on a resume. Stop worrying about flag football and who is taking who to the Blizzard Ball. Some things, like intramurals, Greek Week, dances, and open mic night, are simply designed for you to have FUN! Now yes, I'm competetive too. From wanting the cutest outfit to being the best I can be on the field or the best singer at karaoke night, so I can see why it can matter to you. But it's about making memories, not about winning.
Instead-
4. Focus on what you SHOULD be doing in your clubs and activities, like taking on leadership roles, winning honors, AND KEEPING YOUR GRADES UP! Those are the things that matter, those are the things that develop skills and get you jobs.
5. Speaking of jobs, you have no clue what it means to be professional. From improperly addressing an e-mail (they're mail, not text messages, so treat them that way), to the sandals, leggings, skinny jeans (jeans at all!) and 5 inch heels I see you wearing at job fairs. In the 9-5 world, you will not be communicating or dressing the way you are now. So try to put professionalism into practice, ASAP.
6. You have a lack of foresight with money issues. You say you don't have the money to buy a suit, study abroad, pay your tuition. Yet, you're at the mall, you're at the bar, you're on spring break, you have unlimited data on your iPhone 5. Invest in some professional clothes. Invest in your education. Save what you can. It's more than worth it. Ten years from now, what's a few less Playstation games or bar nights when you have less loan debt or can boast a semester in Greece on your resume?
7. You're great with ideas and theories, but individuals, not so much. You all want to change the world, which is admirable. But before you can change the world, you must start within yourself and the people around you. You look like a hypocrite when you raise money for charity, but then turn around and make fun of someone or cuss them out. "Charity starts at home."
Even those of you who are normally mature and seem put together falter. I don't expect you to be perfect, but you do need to understand that you are not exempt from the rules just because you're a star. The world doesn't revolve around or stop for you. You have just as much right as anyone else to let off some steam, cut loose or be a bum once in a while, but never at the expense of others or against the established rules of conduct. Right now you're a big fish in a small pond. That's going to change. Another big fish or even a shark will come along or you'll graduate, and before you realize it, you're a small fish in an ocean. And all the little fishes you once overlooked or stepped on, they won't be there to help you navigate or lend you a hand.
I'm only making these points because I think you are completely capable adjusting your perspective a little bit. It's time to start seeing the big picture because it's a big world. Not only does this make life easier for the people around you, but you'll have a better time too. Realize that the priorities that you have now are very temporary and fleeting, you must start transitioning into what you truly value and in long-term goals. Not only will you feel less stressed now, but it will make going from college to career less stressful and almost seamless.
Be well and love each other,
Stacy
What an interesting time in your life, to be legally an adult; able to vote and live and die for your country. To be able to enter into marriage and other contracts, or poison your body with cigarettes. All without parental consent. To have all of that freedom and all of those "perks", yet somehow not all the responsibilities. You don't feel like a kid. You're all grown. You wear what you want, you don't have a curfew, you probably even have friends who live off-campus in their own houses or apartments. Maybe you are even one of those off-campus people who "lives on their own".
I'm here to give you a wakeup call. Being a real adult is more than just an ID card that says you're 18 or 21. It's more than even just having a job or paying some bills. It's perspective. It's the way you think about and relate to the world around you. The troubles you have now will go away, but they will be replaced with bigger ones.
I want to see you as an adult, I really do. First of all, legally, you are one. And sometimes I see so much of myself in you; you're energetic, creative, fun, sometimes surprisingly insightful and compassionate. For the most part, you bring a lot to my life and you make me a better person, which I'm greatful for. But it's really hard to see you as a grown up sometimes. You don't have patience. Like Veruca Salt, you want it all, and you want it now. You focus, sometimes even obssess, over things that don't matter. You're unprofessional, from showing up late to class to wearing leggings to the Career Fair.
Being as involved on campus as I am, I get the opportunity to observe you every step of the way. How are you are in class, in clubs, doing service projects, participating in professional development. And let me tell you, despite that I still believe you have good intentions, you miss the mark a lot:
1. You blame others for your problems. You know who does that? A child does that. A grown up accepts responsibility and learns from their shortfalls. None of us are perfect. Never screwing up doens't make you an adult, and refusal to accept that makes you look even more immature.
2. While you blame others for your mistakes, you're also less than gracious when others make mistakes. Everyone these days is busy, stretched too thin. Yet, you only see a person in relation to what you want from them, not the whole of that person. And when things don't go your way, my, do you ever criticize. You are the first to point it out and you're less than kind or tactful about it. Don't forget that other people have feelings, too.
3. You get angry about the most asinine things. I'm sorry, but winning Greek Week does not get put on a resume. Stop worrying about flag football and who is taking who to the Blizzard Ball. Some things, like intramurals, Greek Week, dances, and open mic night, are simply designed for you to have FUN! Now yes, I'm competetive too. From wanting the cutest outfit to being the best I can be on the field or the best singer at karaoke night, so I can see why it can matter to you. But it's about making memories, not about winning.
Instead-
4. Focus on what you SHOULD be doing in your clubs and activities, like taking on leadership roles, winning honors, AND KEEPING YOUR GRADES UP! Those are the things that matter, those are the things that develop skills and get you jobs.
5. Speaking of jobs, you have no clue what it means to be professional. From improperly addressing an e-mail (they're mail, not text messages, so treat them that way), to the sandals, leggings, skinny jeans (jeans at all!) and 5 inch heels I see you wearing at job fairs. In the 9-5 world, you will not be communicating or dressing the way you are now. So try to put professionalism into practice, ASAP.
6. You have a lack of foresight with money issues. You say you don't have the money to buy a suit, study abroad, pay your tuition. Yet, you're at the mall, you're at the bar, you're on spring break, you have unlimited data on your iPhone 5. Invest in some professional clothes. Invest in your education. Save what you can. It's more than worth it. Ten years from now, what's a few less Playstation games or bar nights when you have less loan debt or can boast a semester in Greece on your resume?
7. You're great with ideas and theories, but individuals, not so much. You all want to change the world, which is admirable. But before you can change the world, you must start within yourself and the people around you. You look like a hypocrite when you raise money for charity, but then turn around and make fun of someone or cuss them out. "Charity starts at home."
Even those of you who are normally mature and seem put together falter. I don't expect you to be perfect, but you do need to understand that you are not exempt from the rules just because you're a star. The world doesn't revolve around or stop for you. You have just as much right as anyone else to let off some steam, cut loose or be a bum once in a while, but never at the expense of others or against the established rules of conduct. Right now you're a big fish in a small pond. That's going to change. Another big fish or even a shark will come along or you'll graduate, and before you realize it, you're a small fish in an ocean. And all the little fishes you once overlooked or stepped on, they won't be there to help you navigate or lend you a hand.
I'm only making these points because I think you are completely capable adjusting your perspective a little bit. It's time to start seeing the big picture because it's a big world. Not only does this make life easier for the people around you, but you'll have a better time too. Realize that the priorities that you have now are very temporary and fleeting, you must start transitioning into what you truly value and in long-term goals. Not only will you feel less stressed now, but it will make going from college to career less stressful and almost seamless.
Be well and love each other,
Stacy
Sunday, April 7, 2013
"Nice Guys"
Something which I felt the need post about because I've been reading about it a lot lately: What is the deal with "nice guys"? I see it on the Reddit forums, I read it in articles online, and I've seen it with my own experience dating. A lot of men label themselves "Nice Guys", and all I see is how bitter and disrespectful they are. I personally, have never once whined about being a "Nice Girl". I think I get friend zoned, but I don't blame it on people. I'm just a great friend, rarely act on my emotions, and I'm ordinary enough where I can fit that friend category well. But you know what? That is not the only reason why you should date someone. What about what else we have in common? What about how attracted we are to each other? Lifestyle? Values? Chemistry? Those things are important too, so I don't get too bent out of shape. You can't force these things.
One of my favorite movies is "The Wedding Date" with Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney, you should check it out. Debra's character hires Dermot's character to be her date to her little sister's wedding so that she doesn't have to face her overbearing family (mother) and the best man (her ex) alone. His character tells her that, "every woman has the exact love life she wants". I'm not saying this is true of everyone or every situation, what strides is a person living in their parents' basement, spending 99% of their life playing WoW and on reddit making to find a life, let alone a love life? Or the people who stubbornly ignore the boundaries set by others? I've tried online dating and I set very exact parameters because I don't want to waste anyone's time. I want my own family, so I don't want someone more than 10 years older than me, and I want to have a proper relationship despite my busy schedule, so I don't want someone too far from me. Yet, I would receive message after message from men in their 40's and 50's, or from far away states. One man (in his mid 40's) went so far as to send me multiple messages and then a nasty message telling me that men resort to obscene messages because women "like me" ignore "nice guys like him". I didn't decline his advances because he was "too nice" or for any superficial reason. It was because in my profile, I stated my preferences, he ignored them. I told him it wouldn't work and why, yet he continued. What part of that, or his final e-mail to me was "nice"?
The point is, it wasn't nice. Not at all. It seems to me, that some men think that just because they don't look like Ryan Reynolds, or act like a "bro", they're automatically a "nice guy". Or just because someone hurt them, they are a "nice guy". Guess what! You're not. Every person out there is different and has a story. For example, I really wouldn't categorize anyone I've personally dated as a "bad guy". Not right for me, well, yeah. In my adventures though, there have been friends made, horrible first dates, broken hearts, you name it. That's what dating is, though! It's not all sunshine and roses. If you let it make you hard or bitter, that's on you. That's not on me or any other woman to restore your faith in dating or fix you. You have to do that yourself. No one owes you a date, a relationship, or sex, just because you're "nice" or don't "force" yourself on us, ("Gee, thanks for not kidnapping/killing/raping/beating me, I guess I should be grateful."/sarcasm). Also, re-think your definition of "nice". Is it being polite and putting other's first? Is it going out and meeting like-minded people? Is it being the best version of yourself and happy BEFORE you start looking for love and casting judgement? Because it should be.
So anyone out there, guy or girl, who wants to call themselves "nice", check yo self 'fore you wreck yo self.
One of my favorite movies is "The Wedding Date" with Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney, you should check it out. Debra's character hires Dermot's character to be her date to her little sister's wedding so that she doesn't have to face her overbearing family (mother) and the best man (her ex) alone. His character tells her that, "every woman has the exact love life she wants". I'm not saying this is true of everyone or every situation, what strides is a person living in their parents' basement, spending 99% of their life playing WoW and on reddit making to find a life, let alone a love life? Or the people who stubbornly ignore the boundaries set by others? I've tried online dating and I set very exact parameters because I don't want to waste anyone's time. I want my own family, so I don't want someone more than 10 years older than me, and I want to have a proper relationship despite my busy schedule, so I don't want someone too far from me. Yet, I would receive message after message from men in their 40's and 50's, or from far away states. One man (in his mid 40's) went so far as to send me multiple messages and then a nasty message telling me that men resort to obscene messages because women "like me" ignore "nice guys like him". I didn't decline his advances because he was "too nice" or for any superficial reason. It was because in my profile, I stated my preferences, he ignored them. I told him it wouldn't work and why, yet he continued. What part of that, or his final e-mail to me was "nice"?
The point is, it wasn't nice. Not at all. It seems to me, that some men think that just because they don't look like Ryan Reynolds, or act like a "bro", they're automatically a "nice guy". Or just because someone hurt them, they are a "nice guy". Guess what! You're not. Every person out there is different and has a story. For example, I really wouldn't categorize anyone I've personally dated as a "bad guy". Not right for me, well, yeah. In my adventures though, there have been friends made, horrible first dates, broken hearts, you name it. That's what dating is, though! It's not all sunshine and roses. If you let it make you hard or bitter, that's on you. That's not on me or any other woman to restore your faith in dating or fix you. You have to do that yourself. No one owes you a date, a relationship, or sex, just because you're "nice" or don't "force" yourself on us, ("Gee, thanks for not kidnapping/killing/raping/beating me, I guess I should be grateful."/sarcasm). Also, re-think your definition of "nice". Is it being polite and putting other's first? Is it going out and meeting like-minded people? Is it being the best version of yourself and happy BEFORE you start looking for love and casting judgement? Because it should be.
So anyone out there, guy or girl, who wants to call themselves "nice", check yo self 'fore you wreck yo self.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Don't go changing
A few weeks ago, I was out with a large group of friends, and as it always does, the conversation came around to dating. All of us are in that 25-35 range and at different places in our relationship statuses, but most of us are unmarried. We talked about how long you should wait before bringing a significant other around your friends. Maybe not talking about your *best* friends or your roommate(s) if you have them, because that's kind of unavoidable and happens naturally. But friends meaning your other relatively close friends or colleagues you see really frequently.
While I have never been one to rush a relationship along, I realized that I was kind of the minority because I don't really care or think about the timing of that introduction. And as I sometimes tend to do, I good-naturedly chided one of my friends. Being that we were the oldest two in the crowd, I pointed out something I learned in the past year or so.
At this point in my life, I'm not worried about being something I'm not or being picky about whom meets whom and when. Not only am I a horrible liar, if I were to be in a relationship, I would want it to be with someone who is going to enjoy or at least accept the things I do and the people I choose to spend my time with. I'm not saying that I'm going to forego makeup, stop going to the gym, quit cleaning the house, or let my manners go out the window. I'm not saying that a person can't change or experience growth once you hit this point either, I very strongly believe in personal growth at all ages.
But when a person (as in myself) is 30, has an established career, circle of friends, routine, hobbies, etc. You tend to not want to waste your time with someone who won't fit into all of that. I know life changes when you meet the right person; priorities change and a relationship progresses. And you need things and friends for yourself, or at least I know I do. I don't expect a man to want to come with me to a musical or the spa with me. And it's okay if he likes monster trucks and nascar. We don't have to share every interest.
I don't believe in soul mates, which I know so many people do. I believe in great loves and many things, but not soul mates. I believe I have a soul, but I believe it is mine and God's. It doesn't belong to someone else. This is because, to me, relationships are a combination of timing, chemistry, and a common way of thinking/lifestyle. There are men out there who can build a life with, and likewise, I am one of several women they can build a life with. The question is, when are we both ready and will we be in each other's lives at that point? Will we figure out what we want to be together and will that happen for both of us at the same time? Maybe we've known each other for years or maybe I haven't met him yet.
The thing is, while I know there's lots of room for growth in my life, there are a lot of things I refuse to change or give up. Those things will always be a part of me. I don't see a reason why I should tailor anything from my taste in music to my schedule for someone else. Maybe I will acquire new appreciations, hobbies and habits, but it shouldn't be in pursuit of someone, it should happen naturally. Because if I have to force it (whether they ask me to or not), then I'm pretty sure it's already doomed.
While I have never been one to rush a relationship along, I realized that I was kind of the minority because I don't really care or think about the timing of that introduction. And as I sometimes tend to do, I good-naturedly chided one of my friends. Being that we were the oldest two in the crowd, I pointed out something I learned in the past year or so.
At this point in my life, I'm not worried about being something I'm not or being picky about whom meets whom and when. Not only am I a horrible liar, if I were to be in a relationship, I would want it to be with someone who is going to enjoy or at least accept the things I do and the people I choose to spend my time with. I'm not saying that I'm going to forego makeup, stop going to the gym, quit cleaning the house, or let my manners go out the window. I'm not saying that a person can't change or experience growth once you hit this point either, I very strongly believe in personal growth at all ages.
But when a person (as in myself) is 30, has an established career, circle of friends, routine, hobbies, etc. You tend to not want to waste your time with someone who won't fit into all of that. I know life changes when you meet the right person; priorities change and a relationship progresses. And you need things and friends for yourself, or at least I know I do. I don't expect a man to want to come with me to a musical or the spa with me. And it's okay if he likes monster trucks and nascar. We don't have to share every interest.
I don't believe in soul mates, which I know so many people do. I believe in great loves and many things, but not soul mates. I believe I have a soul, but I believe it is mine and God's. It doesn't belong to someone else. This is because, to me, relationships are a combination of timing, chemistry, and a common way of thinking/lifestyle. There are men out there who can build a life with, and likewise, I am one of several women they can build a life with. The question is, when are we both ready and will we be in each other's lives at that point? Will we figure out what we want to be together and will that happen for both of us at the same time? Maybe we've known each other for years or maybe I haven't met him yet.
The thing is, while I know there's lots of room for growth in my life, there are a lot of things I refuse to change or give up. Those things will always be a part of me. I don't see a reason why I should tailor anything from my taste in music to my schedule for someone else. Maybe I will acquire new appreciations, hobbies and habits, but it shouldn't be in pursuit of someone, it should happen naturally. Because if I have to force it (whether they ask me to or not), then I'm pretty sure it's already doomed.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Everyone Dies Famous in a Small Town
To anyone outside of this region and to strangers, I am a "Pittsburgher". My location label on Twitter is "The 'Burgh". Even on facebook, I list it as my hometown. Pittsburgh is like home to me. My field trips were to the Carnegie Museums and Science Center, Heinz Hall, Kennywood, the Pittsburgh Zoo, Pitt's Cathedral of Learning. I watched Mario Lemieux lift Stanley Cups for two years in a row, fight Hodgkins, return to the ice, and save the Penguins not once, but twice. I watched Bill Cowher replace the legend (wait for it) ary Chuck Noll and become a legend in his own right. My grandfather worked in steel until the day he retired in 1983. I'm exceedingly proud of this city and how it's gone from steel and old-school to "green" and cosmopolitan. All without losing its character and the proud ethnicities that are represented in the neighborhoods, shops, and restaurants.
But technically speaking, I didn't grow up within those city limits. Or even Allegheny County for that matter. Nope, I grew up in "the County", as we fondly call it. Beaver County that is. A place known for being backwards, uncouth, and where everyone is either a hick or "ghetto". It seems there is no in between where I grew up.
Sometimes, it's a source of embarrassment. Such as last week, when a receptionist didn't understand a lyric on someone's ringback tone which then resulted to my school district going on lockdown. Who doesn't know the lyrics to "The Fresh Prince of Bell Air" theme song?! Although, this is not the first time Ambridge High School was in the national news in my memory. When I was in 8th grade, some graduating senior women were banned from their National Honor Society Induction because they wanted to wear pantsuits instead of dresses or skirts. My own senior year, I proudly walked out of the school and protested a ban on white t-shirts. This was after our new principal banned them as "under garments"; he had suspended, then publicly shamed one of my classmates in the auditorium upon his return from suspension.
In that way, I have often tried to deny AHS, or even Beaver County as a whole. I'm NOT ghetto or a hick. I like the ballet, I cheer for the Pittsburgh teams, I can navigate the entire city without GPS. I belong to the city. I never actually lived in Ambridge, I live in Economy, it's on the county line, just count me as Allegheny instead. But I actually personally never had a problem with my high school, my county or my youth, I was only fighting the stereotypes that people had about it.
I like being from a small town. I like that my name means something here and is connected with my ancestors, who are well loved and remembered. I like that I went to the same high school my dad, my aunt and my cousins did. I like that my great grandfather settled here from Tennessee, built a home and a family business right in a tiny, rural boro, when it probably didn't have a stop sign yet. Not that we have many stop signs now, but you get the gist. My own grandfather picked his lot to build on because when looking at the land, he was walking and startled some quails into flight. Being an avid hunter and fisher, he took that as a sign. His brother, my uncle Jack, built his house just down the street.
I like that 10 minutes from my house, there is bar that has karaoke on Friday and Saturday, everyone sings good (not fake) country music, and pitchers of Iron City Amber are $7. Because you know what? That is some fun times right there. I like that for where I live, I legitimately need a 4x4 because the roads are windy, hilly, old, and dark. I like that one of my best friends lives in a log cabin up a quarter mile long, gravel driveway. I like that in high school, we made our own fun, even if it was sometimes destructive, dangerous, stupid, or unglamourous. We were never rich, we were never cosmopolitan; some may say that's why we were so "behind" the times. But I don't think we were. We liked the same music, fashion, tv shows, etc. as everyone else did. We were just somehow more real.
It's not that I don't know anything different. Even within my small "backwards" school district, many ethnicities, faiths and background were always represented. In college, I lived on campus, was a member for a sorority and studied in Ireland. I've done a fair amount of traveling. After school I moved around, including living in the city for a couple years. Throughout my lifetime, I've always been exposed to different places and people in several different ways, from family vacations to road trips to field trips and everything in between.
Yes, I am happy to visit the "Great White Way" and see a show such as Les Miserables, visit my crew in Jersey and take a trip to Hoboken for cannoli from Carlo's Bakery, relax at an all-inclusive resort in the Carribbean. I've done them all and I'd do it a million more times if could.
I enjoy a good craft beer, fancy foods, girlie martinis. I love to dress up and have a pinterest board full of fashionable outfits. I own the 6-season boxed set of Sex and the City. I do consider myself as a relatively cultured person. I'm not especially naive, and most of the time I can not only behave myself, but enjoy myself in any situation.
But I choose my small town life because the grass really isn't always greener. Sure, I do see things occassionally that I'd like to turn my nose up at. And I miss how close I was to things when I lived in the city. Sometimes people are close-minded or un-evolved in my mind. For all of those situations, there's something I appreciate though, like how I feel that the sense of community and tradition has not been lost. There's almost a Mayberry-esque quality to it. Everyone knows everyone, everyone wants to help. Sometime it does seem a little small, and there are certainly things that get on my nerves.
Seeing a friendly face almost everywhere you go is a comforting and enjoyable thing. I get my doses of the big city when and where I can, which is relatively often; from catching a concert to hanging out with friends, to a sporting event. It's only 20 minutes away. Some say 20 minutes and a couple of decades, but I don't feel that way. I'm happy to be somewhere that has always accepted me, whether I was at the shooting range with my dad, or dressed to the nines and stopping to get some cash out for a night out on the town. Which is more than I can say for some "evolved","cultured" people I know. Apologizing for the place I grew up and the village that helped my parents raise me is like apologizing for being me, and I refuse to do that.
But technically speaking, I didn't grow up within those city limits. Or even Allegheny County for that matter. Nope, I grew up in "the County", as we fondly call it. Beaver County that is. A place known for being backwards, uncouth, and where everyone is either a hick or "ghetto". It seems there is no in between where I grew up.
Sometimes, it's a source of embarrassment. Such as last week, when a receptionist didn't understand a lyric on someone's ringback tone which then resulted to my school district going on lockdown. Who doesn't know the lyrics to "The Fresh Prince of Bell Air" theme song?! Although, this is not the first time Ambridge High School was in the national news in my memory. When I was in 8th grade, some graduating senior women were banned from their National Honor Society Induction because they wanted to wear pantsuits instead of dresses or skirts. My own senior year, I proudly walked out of the school and protested a ban on white t-shirts. This was after our new principal banned them as "under garments"; he had suspended, then publicly shamed one of my classmates in the auditorium upon his return from suspension.
In that way, I have often tried to deny AHS, or even Beaver County as a whole. I'm NOT ghetto or a hick. I like the ballet, I cheer for the Pittsburgh teams, I can navigate the entire city without GPS. I belong to the city. I never actually lived in Ambridge, I live in Economy, it's on the county line, just count me as Allegheny instead. But I actually personally never had a problem with my high school, my county or my youth, I was only fighting the stereotypes that people had about it.
I like being from a small town. I like that my name means something here and is connected with my ancestors, who are well loved and remembered. I like that I went to the same high school my dad, my aunt and my cousins did. I like that my great grandfather settled here from Tennessee, built a home and a family business right in a tiny, rural boro, when it probably didn't have a stop sign yet. Not that we have many stop signs now, but you get the gist. My own grandfather picked his lot to build on because when looking at the land, he was walking and startled some quails into flight. Being an avid hunter and fisher, he took that as a sign. His brother, my uncle Jack, built his house just down the street.
I like that 10 minutes from my house, there is bar that has karaoke on Friday and Saturday, everyone sings good (not fake) country music, and pitchers of Iron City Amber are $7. Because you know what? That is some fun times right there. I like that for where I live, I legitimately need a 4x4 because the roads are windy, hilly, old, and dark. I like that one of my best friends lives in a log cabin up a quarter mile long, gravel driveway. I like that in high school, we made our own fun, even if it was sometimes destructive, dangerous, stupid, or unglamourous. We were never rich, we were never cosmopolitan; some may say that's why we were so "behind" the times. But I don't think we were. We liked the same music, fashion, tv shows, etc. as everyone else did. We were just somehow more real.
It's not that I don't know anything different. Even within my small "backwards" school district, many ethnicities, faiths and background were always represented. In college, I lived on campus, was a member for a sorority and studied in Ireland. I've done a fair amount of traveling. After school I moved around, including living in the city for a couple years. Throughout my lifetime, I've always been exposed to different places and people in several different ways, from family vacations to road trips to field trips and everything in between.
Yes, I am happy to visit the "Great White Way" and see a show such as Les Miserables, visit my crew in Jersey and take a trip to Hoboken for cannoli from Carlo's Bakery, relax at an all-inclusive resort in the Carribbean. I've done them all and I'd do it a million more times if could.
I enjoy a good craft beer, fancy foods, girlie martinis. I love to dress up and have a pinterest board full of fashionable outfits. I own the 6-season boxed set of Sex and the City. I do consider myself as a relatively cultured person. I'm not especially naive, and most of the time I can not only behave myself, but enjoy myself in any situation.
But I choose my small town life because the grass really isn't always greener. Sure, I do see things occassionally that I'd like to turn my nose up at. And I miss how close I was to things when I lived in the city. Sometimes people are close-minded or un-evolved in my mind. For all of those situations, there's something I appreciate though, like how I feel that the sense of community and tradition has not been lost. There's almost a Mayberry-esque quality to it. Everyone knows everyone, everyone wants to help. Sometime it does seem a little small, and there are certainly things that get on my nerves.
Seeing a friendly face almost everywhere you go is a comforting and enjoyable thing. I get my doses of the big city when and where I can, which is relatively often; from catching a concert to hanging out with friends, to a sporting event. It's only 20 minutes away. Some say 20 minutes and a couple of decades, but I don't feel that way. I'm happy to be somewhere that has always accepted me, whether I was at the shooting range with my dad, or dressed to the nines and stopping to get some cash out for a night out on the town. Which is more than I can say for some "evolved","cultured" people I know. Apologizing for the place I grew up and the village that helped my parents raise me is like apologizing for being me, and I refuse to do that.
Friday, March 1, 2013
What's your biggest weakness?
What IS your biggest weakness?
This is a question I ask students all the time to get them practicing for job interviews, and it seems so routine to me now. But this week, I'm looking at it in a different light. For those of you who are Christians, you are currently observing Lent. For those not famililar, Lent is a period of 40 days, beginning with Ash Wednesday and culminating with the crufixition of Christ. Which then of course, is followed by the celebration of Easter afterwards. 40 is relevant because Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness while being tempted by Satan; also the duration is mentioned several times in the Old Testament. It is 6 weeks where Christians are to reflect, not only on the Jesus' final days and message, but also on themselves and to repent for their sins and engage in some penance or self improvement to prepare for His ressurection.
My given name, Stacy, is the Irish form of Eustace, meaning fruitful or steadfast. But it is more familiarly known as the short form of the Greek Anastasia, meaning ressurection. So it's no suprise that I would be constantly trying to improve and re-invent myself. Not in the Madonna way of reinvention, though. Being a Christian, even if I'm sometimes a bad one, I still try to observe Lent. This is because I believe that regardless of my religiousness (is that a word?) or lack thereof; reflection, transcendance and improvement are valuable lessons for everyone.
In the Catholic faith, you are taught to abstain or "give something up" for Lent. Many people give up things such as smoking, drinking, candy, tv, basically giving up a vice. This is to serve as a reminder of the sacrifices that Jesus made in order to grant believers everlasting life. I think it also serves to remind us that many people have gone without these things and remain without these things.We can too, and with all of our extra time or money, we could do something constructive with it. Some people decide that instead of giving something up, they add to their lives by giving back or doing something good for themselves, their family, or their community. Catholics also fast and/or abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. This fasting used to last for all 40 days, but obviously the Church has bent the rules over the centuries. You can still eat fish when fasting because of a deal the Church struck with the fishermen. Think about it, Italy (where the Pope is) is a penninsula. If for 6 weeks no one bought fish, it would be bad news.
But I digress, as usual.
I, like so many other Christians in the world have been doing some self-examination and thinking about things I should improve upon. I have a great many vices I'm working on, but they are only one of the facets of myself that I can work on. One thing that I've been noticing about myself is that I like to control a conversation. Not necessarily do all the talking, because that is exhausting. But I like to control the tone, the occurance, the approach, the frequency. And I absolutely depise being questioned or challenged. I don't know where this defensive streak comes from, nor do I know exactly how long I've been that way. Yes, I'm stubborn; who doesn't like things their own way? That's not news to me. But lately, I've been noticing that I cringe when people say "Hi", because I don't want to engage in conversation. I feel supremely annoyed that they dare talk to me. Or if they ask me a question in conversation, I immediately see it as doubt and get defensive. I never thought I was like that, and it's definitely not a habit I want to keep.
I've known for a long time that I'm naturally introverted, that I need lots of alone time, and I live inside my head, but I never thought of myself as a humbug, a cold scrooge. When I catch myself doing those things, that's what I feel like though. I could make excuses, but the reality is that everyone is over-worked, underpaid, tired, whatever. This comes down to my responsibility to be a better person. 99% of the people I'm around, no matter how much money they make, where they live, when their last vacation was, they're all fighting this same fight. While maybe I'm better than some, I'm still not being the person I want to be. And even if the emotion isn't making it's way to the surface and isn't noticible, it's only a matter of time before it does.
In fact, I recently got this in the interoffice mail:
My coworkers and I send stuff to each other all the time as inside jokes or cute messages. I have no way of knowing who sent it, if this was what they wanted me to read in the article, or why the article made them think of me. But, no matter the reason, this was a definite reminder to me that maybe I should stop being such a prickly burr.
Maybe if I'm getting so defensive, I am not as sure of myself as I think I am. Why else do people get defensive? Having a chip on my shoulder is something I've had for a long time for many reasons, but it's never reared its head this way before where everything was a challenge to me. It makes me think that I don't want to think about my motivations or my potential shortcomings. I've never liked repeating myself, and I've always felt that was understandable, but there is no reason why I should feel so put off by explaining myself. If I don't want to face my weaknesses, then I cannot expect change or improvement. It's not enough to want to change. You have to understand why you should change, what needs to change, and how to not to revert.
I'm a big believer that "if the shoe fits, wear it". Often, when I see people having disproportionate reactions to statements or situations, I discern that they are hiding something or feeling defensive. I don't want to be one of those people who are going around being a victim or is hard to talk to because I'm always reading into things defensively. So while working on all the external things I normally work on during the Lenten season, internally, I'm going to start with more positive thinking and reflection: hopefully that will help my mindset be more open and friendly, if for no one else but myself.
This is a question I ask students all the time to get them practicing for job interviews, and it seems so routine to me now. But this week, I'm looking at it in a different light. For those of you who are Christians, you are currently observing Lent. For those not famililar, Lent is a period of 40 days, beginning with Ash Wednesday and culminating with the crufixition of Christ. Which then of course, is followed by the celebration of Easter afterwards. 40 is relevant because Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness while being tempted by Satan; also the duration is mentioned several times in the Old Testament. It is 6 weeks where Christians are to reflect, not only on the Jesus' final days and message, but also on themselves and to repent for their sins and engage in some penance or self improvement to prepare for His ressurection.
My given name, Stacy, is the Irish form of Eustace, meaning fruitful or steadfast. But it is more familiarly known as the short form of the Greek Anastasia, meaning ressurection. So it's no suprise that I would be constantly trying to improve and re-invent myself. Not in the Madonna way of reinvention, though. Being a Christian, even if I'm sometimes a bad one, I still try to observe Lent. This is because I believe that regardless of my religiousness (is that a word?) or lack thereof; reflection, transcendance and improvement are valuable lessons for everyone.
In the Catholic faith, you are taught to abstain or "give something up" for Lent. Many people give up things such as smoking, drinking, candy, tv, basically giving up a vice. This is to serve as a reminder of the sacrifices that Jesus made in order to grant believers everlasting life. I think it also serves to remind us that many people have gone without these things and remain without these things.We can too, and with all of our extra time or money, we could do something constructive with it. Some people decide that instead of giving something up, they add to their lives by giving back or doing something good for themselves, their family, or their community. Catholics also fast and/or abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. This fasting used to last for all 40 days, but obviously the Church has bent the rules over the centuries. You can still eat fish when fasting because of a deal the Church struck with the fishermen. Think about it, Italy (where the Pope is) is a penninsula. If for 6 weeks no one bought fish, it would be bad news.
But I digress, as usual.
I, like so many other Christians in the world have been doing some self-examination and thinking about things I should improve upon. I have a great many vices I'm working on, but they are only one of the facets of myself that I can work on. One thing that I've been noticing about myself is that I like to control a conversation. Not necessarily do all the talking, because that is exhausting. But I like to control the tone, the occurance, the approach, the frequency. And I absolutely depise being questioned or challenged. I don't know where this defensive streak comes from, nor do I know exactly how long I've been that way. Yes, I'm stubborn; who doesn't like things their own way? That's not news to me. But lately, I've been noticing that I cringe when people say "Hi", because I don't want to engage in conversation. I feel supremely annoyed that they dare talk to me. Or if they ask me a question in conversation, I immediately see it as doubt and get defensive. I never thought I was like that, and it's definitely not a habit I want to keep.
I've known for a long time that I'm naturally introverted, that I need lots of alone time, and I live inside my head, but I never thought of myself as a humbug, a cold scrooge. When I catch myself doing those things, that's what I feel like though. I could make excuses, but the reality is that everyone is over-worked, underpaid, tired, whatever. This comes down to my responsibility to be a better person. 99% of the people I'm around, no matter how much money they make, where they live, when their last vacation was, they're all fighting this same fight. While maybe I'm better than some, I'm still not being the person I want to be. And even if the emotion isn't making it's way to the surface and isn't noticible, it's only a matter of time before it does.
In fact, I recently got this in the interoffice mail:
My coworkers and I send stuff to each other all the time as inside jokes or cute messages. I have no way of knowing who sent it, if this was what they wanted me to read in the article, or why the article made them think of me. But, no matter the reason, this was a definite reminder to me that maybe I should stop being such a prickly burr.
Maybe if I'm getting so defensive, I am not as sure of myself as I think I am. Why else do people get defensive? Having a chip on my shoulder is something I've had for a long time for many reasons, but it's never reared its head this way before where everything was a challenge to me. It makes me think that I don't want to think about my motivations or my potential shortcomings. I've never liked repeating myself, and I've always felt that was understandable, but there is no reason why I should feel so put off by explaining myself. If I don't want to face my weaknesses, then I cannot expect change or improvement. It's not enough to want to change. You have to understand why you should change, what needs to change, and how to not to revert.
I'm a big believer that "if the shoe fits, wear it". Often, when I see people having disproportionate reactions to statements or situations, I discern that they are hiding something or feeling defensive. I don't want to be one of those people who are going around being a victim or is hard to talk to because I'm always reading into things defensively. So while working on all the external things I normally work on during the Lenten season, internally, I'm going to start with more positive thinking and reflection: hopefully that will help my mindset be more open and friendly, if for no one else but myself.
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