My iPhone was on it's last legs. I've been due for an upgrade since spring, but I've been putting it off in anticipation of the newest iPhone model, and hey, even with a new contract, $200 is a lot of money. The universe keeps telling me to get a new phone though, from the achingly slow response time when I tapped the screen for an app, to the cracked back, to now, a cracked screen. So, at first I grudgingly make plans to visit the AT&T store after work, which then turned to excitement. This new phone would have talk-to-text, Siri, a way better camera, a speedier microchip, and double the gigabites as my iphone 4. I happily backed up my phone to itunes in preparation for my new, shiny toy.
As luck would have it, the closest shop to me had a note on the door that someone would be back in 10 minutes. Remembering my initial hesitation to bite the bullet in the first place, I just chuckled to myself and went to wait in the car. And I took that time to really examine what was on my phone. Did I have some weird videos/pictures/voice notes that I didn't want the sales associate to see? Nope.
So then, I start to scroll through my contacts list. I start deleting contacts left and right. It's very cathartic, like cleaning out your facebook friends list, which is also something I need to do. That one time you needed a person's number during a work trip, gone. That random guy who gave you his number, even though you have no intention of calling, gone. Exes, gone. That one guy who was a really bad kisser you hope you never hear from again, gone. The number you've had since high school or college and haven't seen the person in decade or more? Gone. And who the hell is Tony? I don't know any Tonys! Gone.
What is interesting is who I didn't get rid of. I can't say why I didn't get rid of certain people. People I haven't talked to in years, and/or people who I have no intention of talking to or seeing again. Maybe I didn't because I believe in second chances. Or maybe I feel bad for not keeping in touch or the way things ended. Maybe if they ever contacted me again, I didn't want to have to ask, "who is this?"
It's a funny thing, who stays in your phone and who doesn't. Kind of like who stays and goes in your life or your heart. There are many different reasons why a contact may or may not have made the cut. You make the choice to move on and leave something in the past, but sometimes the past can come back to haunt you. I had my new phone for just a week when I got a text from one of those numbers I didn't delete. I still don't know why that number wasn't deleted, because reason says it should have been, months ago probably. But something was different. My response. My expectations. I had finally learned something. And as the saying goes, you're either a blessing or a lesson.
.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
What No One Tells You About Extreme Weight Loss
No, this isn't a blog about diet secrets and nutrition. This is about the psychological effects of dramatic weight loss, and how you don't even realize about them until it's too late.
1.) You will NOT look like the "Before and After" pictures in advertisements.
I don't care how you lost the weight. Pills, surgery, diet, exercise, sickness, any combination of these. You will have extra skin, stretch marks, flab and the appearance (I repeat appearance, not actuality) of poor muscle tone. I know I'm still working on my own "after", but I am sure that even with the aid of cosmetic surgery, I will never have a "hard" body. I will absolutely never have a "fit" body. I know everyone has their trouble spots, and I've never had the desire to have a six pack; but I feel like I will never be able to measure up to most of the female population.
Which makes me feel really anxious about myself. At first, I was really excited about a smaller size in clothing, the features of my face becoming more defined, feeling better and having more energy. But there are days now, when I look in the mirror and I don't think I look any different than I did 140 pounds ago. Last friday, I was actually late for work because I didn't look good in a thing I put on. All I see are the arms that to me, look the same size they did 3 years ago. I see how I might wear the same size as a friend but look absolutely awful in it. Or how certain angles make me look as if I never lost weight at all. Which brings me to 2.
2.) Living a healthier lifestyle physically doesn't change what made you unhealthy in the first place.
I still struggle every day with disordered eating and body image issues. Yes, now I generally eat 3 meals a day without skipping. And even though I can't eat a lot of my vice-type foods anymore, I still sometimes eat too many carbs, too much cheese, too much beer. I get really sensitive when someone makes a comment that I'm working out too hard or not eating enough, or tries to "help" me. I've actually taken to working out alone or unbeknownst to others because I don't like the comments. And I try not to be, but I'm sensitive in general to comments about people's weight and appearance. Maybe people make these comments in my presence because they assume I'm just a normal person without these issues, which is actually almost a nice idea when you're someone like me, but a part of me still gets defensive.
3.) You will wonder about people's motivations.
As a smaller human being, I can't help but notice that people are much nicer to me than they were before. This includes everyone from current friends to cashiers at Target. People are just nice to thinner people. So now, I find myself questioning what is real sometimes. This is a double edged sword though. I can't blame everyone, because as I've gotten older, smaller, and more confident, I've opened up more, and had a lot more fun being "me" than I did before. So smaller me, is more "me" than bigger me was. Maybe the walls I had put up for so long were holding me back more than the weight was. I try not to apply this to every new person I meet, every guy I go on a date with, etc.
Often times, I don't tell people I've lost a lot a weight if they didn't know me before. Except for the one guy where the date was going awful and I used it as an excuse to not go for dinner after coffee. Sorry, I'm not sorry. Not hiding it, just don't see a point because how can I expect them to understand, or why should I unload my baggage? And to date, not one intimate partner has asked me about my scars, stretch marks, etc. If they've noticed them, it obviously wasn't a deal breaker. Maybe I'm just lucky, or maybe really no one does care except me.
4.) Plateaus suck and can last forever.
At first, I lost weight very rapidly, which was motivating. Now, I have to fight for every pound I lose. I've lost a couple recently, but that's because 1. I was sick, and 2. I removed cheese almost completely from my diet. For some reason, I have to work harder than a person who has been normal-sized or maintained their weight throughout their lifetime. Probably because I was so heavy for so long and my body is used to its fat stores. So yes, when I'm really watching, it can look like I'm not being healthy. Or it might seem odd that a hungry me is full or even sick after a slice of pizza. But there can be a method to my madness, or reason why I'm full; so rather than make a comment, ask me about it. I'm happy to tell you what my wls nutritionist has recommended I do to stay healthy. And btw, the bread/carbs in the pizza is what does me in. If I feel comfortable enough to eat in your presence, you'll notice a lot of wraps, salads, and high protein stuff and avoid sweets. That's what I have to eat to avoid feeling crappy.
I'm not trying to demotivate anyone from a healthier lifestyle or losing a lot of weight. I absolutely wouldn't trade my weight loss for anything in the world. I'd do everything again in a heartbeat. So I can feel more confident, so I can feel healthier, so I can walk forever without losing my breath. (Trying to work up to running). But don't ever let someone tell you (or don't tell yourself) that weight loss is the answer to all your problems. It's not. If anything, the biggest lesson I've learned on this journey is that your weight is only one facet of you. It doesn't matter if you are 500 pounds or 100 pounds. There's a lot more to you and your life than the number on the scale. And while certain facets may be related or blend together, no singular thing should really define you. I let it define me and I learned the hard way that changing it didn't change me.
1.) You will NOT look like the "Before and After" pictures in advertisements.
I don't care how you lost the weight. Pills, surgery, diet, exercise, sickness, any combination of these. You will have extra skin, stretch marks, flab and the appearance (I repeat appearance, not actuality) of poor muscle tone. I know I'm still working on my own "after", but I am sure that even with the aid of cosmetic surgery, I will never have a "hard" body. I will absolutely never have a "fit" body. I know everyone has their trouble spots, and I've never had the desire to have a six pack; but I feel like I will never be able to measure up to most of the female population.
Which makes me feel really anxious about myself. At first, I was really excited about a smaller size in clothing, the features of my face becoming more defined, feeling better and having more energy. But there are days now, when I look in the mirror and I don't think I look any different than I did 140 pounds ago. Last friday, I was actually late for work because I didn't look good in a thing I put on. All I see are the arms that to me, look the same size they did 3 years ago. I see how I might wear the same size as a friend but look absolutely awful in it. Or how certain angles make me look as if I never lost weight at all. Which brings me to 2.
2.) Living a healthier lifestyle physically doesn't change what made you unhealthy in the first place.
I still struggle every day with disordered eating and body image issues. Yes, now I generally eat 3 meals a day without skipping. And even though I can't eat a lot of my vice-type foods anymore, I still sometimes eat too many carbs, too much cheese, too much beer. I get really sensitive when someone makes a comment that I'm working out too hard or not eating enough, or tries to "help" me. I've actually taken to working out alone or unbeknownst to others because I don't like the comments. And I try not to be, but I'm sensitive in general to comments about people's weight and appearance. Maybe people make these comments in my presence because they assume I'm just a normal person without these issues, which is actually almost a nice idea when you're someone like me, but a part of me still gets defensive.
3.) You will wonder about people's motivations.
As a smaller human being, I can't help but notice that people are much nicer to me than they were before. This includes everyone from current friends to cashiers at Target. People are just nice to thinner people. So now, I find myself questioning what is real sometimes. This is a double edged sword though. I can't blame everyone, because as I've gotten older, smaller, and more confident, I've opened up more, and had a lot more fun being "me" than I did before. So smaller me, is more "me" than bigger me was. Maybe the walls I had put up for so long were holding me back more than the weight was. I try not to apply this to every new person I meet, every guy I go on a date with, etc.
Often times, I don't tell people I've lost a lot a weight if they didn't know me before. Except for the one guy where the date was going awful and I used it as an excuse to not go for dinner after coffee. Sorry, I'm not sorry. Not hiding it, just don't see a point because how can I expect them to understand, or why should I unload my baggage? And to date, not one intimate partner has asked me about my scars, stretch marks, etc. If they've noticed them, it obviously wasn't a deal breaker. Maybe I'm just lucky, or maybe really no one does care except me.
4.) Plateaus suck and can last forever.
At first, I lost weight very rapidly, which was motivating. Now, I have to fight for every pound I lose. I've lost a couple recently, but that's because 1. I was sick, and 2. I removed cheese almost completely from my diet. For some reason, I have to work harder than a person who has been normal-sized or maintained their weight throughout their lifetime. Probably because I was so heavy for so long and my body is used to its fat stores. So yes, when I'm really watching, it can look like I'm not being healthy. Or it might seem odd that a hungry me is full or even sick after a slice of pizza. But there can be a method to my madness, or reason why I'm full; so rather than make a comment, ask me about it. I'm happy to tell you what my wls nutritionist has recommended I do to stay healthy. And btw, the bread/carbs in the pizza is what does me in. If I feel comfortable enough to eat in your presence, you'll notice a lot of wraps, salads, and high protein stuff and avoid sweets. That's what I have to eat to avoid feeling crappy.
I'm not trying to demotivate anyone from a healthier lifestyle or losing a lot of weight. I absolutely wouldn't trade my weight loss for anything in the world. I'd do everything again in a heartbeat. So I can feel more confident, so I can feel healthier, so I can walk forever without losing my breath. (Trying to work up to running). But don't ever let someone tell you (or don't tell yourself) that weight loss is the answer to all your problems. It's not. If anything, the biggest lesson I've learned on this journey is that your weight is only one facet of you. It doesn't matter if you are 500 pounds or 100 pounds. There's a lot more to you and your life than the number on the scale. And while certain facets may be related or blend together, no singular thing should really define you. I let it define me and I learned the hard way that changing it didn't change me.
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