A few weeks ago, I was out with a large group of friends, and as it always does, the conversation came around to dating. All of us are in that 25-35 range and at different places in our relationship statuses, but most of us are unmarried. We talked about how long you should wait before bringing a significant other around your friends. Maybe not talking about your *best* friends or your roommate(s) if you have them, because that's kind of unavoidable and happens naturally. But friends meaning your other relatively close friends or colleagues you see really frequently.
While I have never been one to rush a relationship along, I realized that I was kind of the minority because I don't really care or think about the timing of that introduction. And as I sometimes tend to do, I good-naturedly chided one of my friends. Being that we were the oldest two in the crowd, I pointed out something I learned in the past year or so.
At this point in my life, I'm not worried about being something I'm not or being picky about whom meets whom and when. Not only am I a horrible liar, if I were to be in a relationship, I would want it to be with someone who is going to enjoy or at least accept the things I do and the people I choose to spend my time with. I'm not saying that I'm going to forego makeup, stop going to the gym, quit cleaning the house, or let my manners go out the window. I'm not saying that a person can't change or experience growth once you hit this point either, I very strongly believe in personal growth at all ages.
But when a person (as in myself) is 30, has an established career, circle of friends, routine, hobbies, etc. You tend to not want to waste your time with someone who won't fit into all of that. I know life changes when you meet the right person; priorities change and a relationship progresses. And you need things and friends for yourself, or at least I know I do. I don't expect a man to want to come with me to a musical or the spa with me. And it's okay if he likes monster trucks and nascar. We don't have to share every interest.
I don't believe in soul mates, which I know so many people do. I believe in great loves and many things, but not soul mates. I believe I have a soul, but I believe it is mine and God's. It doesn't belong to someone else. This is because, to me, relationships are a combination of timing, chemistry, and a common way of thinking/lifestyle. There are men out there who can build a life with, and likewise, I am one of several women they can build a life with. The question is, when are we both ready and will we be in each other's lives at that point? Will we figure out what we want to be together and will that happen for both of us at the same time? Maybe we've known each other for years or maybe I haven't met him yet.
The thing is, while I know there's lots of room for growth in my life, there are a lot of things I refuse to change or give up. Those things will always be a part of me. I don't see a reason why I should tailor anything from my taste in music to my schedule for someone else. Maybe I will acquire new appreciations, hobbies and habits, but it shouldn't be in pursuit of someone, it should happen naturally. Because if I have to force it (whether they ask me to or not), then I'm pretty sure it's already doomed.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Everyone Dies Famous in a Small Town
To anyone outside of this region and to strangers, I am a "Pittsburgher". My location label on Twitter is "The 'Burgh". Even on facebook, I list it as my hometown. Pittsburgh is like home to me. My field trips were to the Carnegie Museums and Science Center, Heinz Hall, Kennywood, the Pittsburgh Zoo, Pitt's Cathedral of Learning. I watched Mario Lemieux lift Stanley Cups for two years in a row, fight Hodgkins, return to the ice, and save the Penguins not once, but twice. I watched Bill Cowher replace the legend (wait for it) ary Chuck Noll and become a legend in his own right. My grandfather worked in steel until the day he retired in 1983. I'm exceedingly proud of this city and how it's gone from steel and old-school to "green" and cosmopolitan. All without losing its character and the proud ethnicities that are represented in the neighborhoods, shops, and restaurants.
But technically speaking, I didn't grow up within those city limits. Or even Allegheny County for that matter. Nope, I grew up in "the County", as we fondly call it. Beaver County that is. A place known for being backwards, uncouth, and where everyone is either a hick or "ghetto". It seems there is no in between where I grew up.
Sometimes, it's a source of embarrassment. Such as last week, when a receptionist didn't understand a lyric on someone's ringback tone which then resulted to my school district going on lockdown. Who doesn't know the lyrics to "The Fresh Prince of Bell Air" theme song?! Although, this is not the first time Ambridge High School was in the national news in my memory. When I was in 8th grade, some graduating senior women were banned from their National Honor Society Induction because they wanted to wear pantsuits instead of dresses or skirts. My own senior year, I proudly walked out of the school and protested a ban on white t-shirts. This was after our new principal banned them as "under garments"; he had suspended, then publicly shamed one of my classmates in the auditorium upon his return from suspension.
In that way, I have often tried to deny AHS, or even Beaver County as a whole. I'm NOT ghetto or a hick. I like the ballet, I cheer for the Pittsburgh teams, I can navigate the entire city without GPS. I belong to the city. I never actually lived in Ambridge, I live in Economy, it's on the county line, just count me as Allegheny instead. But I actually personally never had a problem with my high school, my county or my youth, I was only fighting the stereotypes that people had about it.
I like being from a small town. I like that my name means something here and is connected with my ancestors, who are well loved and remembered. I like that I went to the same high school my dad, my aunt and my cousins did. I like that my great grandfather settled here from Tennessee, built a home and a family business right in a tiny, rural boro, when it probably didn't have a stop sign yet. Not that we have many stop signs now, but you get the gist. My own grandfather picked his lot to build on because when looking at the land, he was walking and startled some quails into flight. Being an avid hunter and fisher, he took that as a sign. His brother, my uncle Jack, built his house just down the street.
I like that 10 minutes from my house, there is bar that has karaoke on Friday and Saturday, everyone sings good (not fake) country music, and pitchers of Iron City Amber are $7. Because you know what? That is some fun times right there. I like that for where I live, I legitimately need a 4x4 because the roads are windy, hilly, old, and dark. I like that one of my best friends lives in a log cabin up a quarter mile long, gravel driveway. I like that in high school, we made our own fun, even if it was sometimes destructive, dangerous, stupid, or unglamourous. We were never rich, we were never cosmopolitan; some may say that's why we were so "behind" the times. But I don't think we were. We liked the same music, fashion, tv shows, etc. as everyone else did. We were just somehow more real.
It's not that I don't know anything different. Even within my small "backwards" school district, many ethnicities, faiths and background were always represented. In college, I lived on campus, was a member for a sorority and studied in Ireland. I've done a fair amount of traveling. After school I moved around, including living in the city for a couple years. Throughout my lifetime, I've always been exposed to different places and people in several different ways, from family vacations to road trips to field trips and everything in between.
Yes, I am happy to visit the "Great White Way" and see a show such as Les Miserables, visit my crew in Jersey and take a trip to Hoboken for cannoli from Carlo's Bakery, relax at an all-inclusive resort in the Carribbean. I've done them all and I'd do it a million more times if could.
I enjoy a good craft beer, fancy foods, girlie martinis. I love to dress up and have a pinterest board full of fashionable outfits. I own the 6-season boxed set of Sex and the City. I do consider myself as a relatively cultured person. I'm not especially naive, and most of the time I can not only behave myself, but enjoy myself in any situation.
But I choose my small town life because the grass really isn't always greener. Sure, I do see things occassionally that I'd like to turn my nose up at. And I miss how close I was to things when I lived in the city. Sometimes people are close-minded or un-evolved in my mind. For all of those situations, there's something I appreciate though, like how I feel that the sense of community and tradition has not been lost. There's almost a Mayberry-esque quality to it. Everyone knows everyone, everyone wants to help. Sometime it does seem a little small, and there are certainly things that get on my nerves.
Seeing a friendly face almost everywhere you go is a comforting and enjoyable thing. I get my doses of the big city when and where I can, which is relatively often; from catching a concert to hanging out with friends, to a sporting event. It's only 20 minutes away. Some say 20 minutes and a couple of decades, but I don't feel that way. I'm happy to be somewhere that has always accepted me, whether I was at the shooting range with my dad, or dressed to the nines and stopping to get some cash out for a night out on the town. Which is more than I can say for some "evolved","cultured" people I know. Apologizing for the place I grew up and the village that helped my parents raise me is like apologizing for being me, and I refuse to do that.
But technically speaking, I didn't grow up within those city limits. Or even Allegheny County for that matter. Nope, I grew up in "the County", as we fondly call it. Beaver County that is. A place known for being backwards, uncouth, and where everyone is either a hick or "ghetto". It seems there is no in between where I grew up.
Sometimes, it's a source of embarrassment. Such as last week, when a receptionist didn't understand a lyric on someone's ringback tone which then resulted to my school district going on lockdown. Who doesn't know the lyrics to "The Fresh Prince of Bell Air" theme song?! Although, this is not the first time Ambridge High School was in the national news in my memory. When I was in 8th grade, some graduating senior women were banned from their National Honor Society Induction because they wanted to wear pantsuits instead of dresses or skirts. My own senior year, I proudly walked out of the school and protested a ban on white t-shirts. This was after our new principal banned them as "under garments"; he had suspended, then publicly shamed one of my classmates in the auditorium upon his return from suspension.
In that way, I have often tried to deny AHS, or even Beaver County as a whole. I'm NOT ghetto or a hick. I like the ballet, I cheer for the Pittsburgh teams, I can navigate the entire city without GPS. I belong to the city. I never actually lived in Ambridge, I live in Economy, it's on the county line, just count me as Allegheny instead. But I actually personally never had a problem with my high school, my county or my youth, I was only fighting the stereotypes that people had about it.
I like being from a small town. I like that my name means something here and is connected with my ancestors, who are well loved and remembered. I like that I went to the same high school my dad, my aunt and my cousins did. I like that my great grandfather settled here from Tennessee, built a home and a family business right in a tiny, rural boro, when it probably didn't have a stop sign yet. Not that we have many stop signs now, but you get the gist. My own grandfather picked his lot to build on because when looking at the land, he was walking and startled some quails into flight. Being an avid hunter and fisher, he took that as a sign. His brother, my uncle Jack, built his house just down the street.
I like that 10 minutes from my house, there is bar that has karaoke on Friday and Saturday, everyone sings good (not fake) country music, and pitchers of Iron City Amber are $7. Because you know what? That is some fun times right there. I like that for where I live, I legitimately need a 4x4 because the roads are windy, hilly, old, and dark. I like that one of my best friends lives in a log cabin up a quarter mile long, gravel driveway. I like that in high school, we made our own fun, even if it was sometimes destructive, dangerous, stupid, or unglamourous. We were never rich, we were never cosmopolitan; some may say that's why we were so "behind" the times. But I don't think we were. We liked the same music, fashion, tv shows, etc. as everyone else did. We were just somehow more real.
It's not that I don't know anything different. Even within my small "backwards" school district, many ethnicities, faiths and background were always represented. In college, I lived on campus, was a member for a sorority and studied in Ireland. I've done a fair amount of traveling. After school I moved around, including living in the city for a couple years. Throughout my lifetime, I've always been exposed to different places and people in several different ways, from family vacations to road trips to field trips and everything in between.
Yes, I am happy to visit the "Great White Way" and see a show such as Les Miserables, visit my crew in Jersey and take a trip to Hoboken for cannoli from Carlo's Bakery, relax at an all-inclusive resort in the Carribbean. I've done them all and I'd do it a million more times if could.
I enjoy a good craft beer, fancy foods, girlie martinis. I love to dress up and have a pinterest board full of fashionable outfits. I own the 6-season boxed set of Sex and the City. I do consider myself as a relatively cultured person. I'm not especially naive, and most of the time I can not only behave myself, but enjoy myself in any situation.
But I choose my small town life because the grass really isn't always greener. Sure, I do see things occassionally that I'd like to turn my nose up at. And I miss how close I was to things when I lived in the city. Sometimes people are close-minded or un-evolved in my mind. For all of those situations, there's something I appreciate though, like how I feel that the sense of community and tradition has not been lost. There's almost a Mayberry-esque quality to it. Everyone knows everyone, everyone wants to help. Sometime it does seem a little small, and there are certainly things that get on my nerves.
Seeing a friendly face almost everywhere you go is a comforting and enjoyable thing. I get my doses of the big city when and where I can, which is relatively often; from catching a concert to hanging out with friends, to a sporting event. It's only 20 minutes away. Some say 20 minutes and a couple of decades, but I don't feel that way. I'm happy to be somewhere that has always accepted me, whether I was at the shooting range with my dad, or dressed to the nines and stopping to get some cash out for a night out on the town. Which is more than I can say for some "evolved","cultured" people I know. Apologizing for the place I grew up and the village that helped my parents raise me is like apologizing for being me, and I refuse to do that.
Friday, March 1, 2013
What's your biggest weakness?
What IS your biggest weakness?
This is a question I ask students all the time to get them practicing for job interviews, and it seems so routine to me now. But this week, I'm looking at it in a different light. For those of you who are Christians, you are currently observing Lent. For those not famililar, Lent is a period of 40 days, beginning with Ash Wednesday and culminating with the crufixition of Christ. Which then of course, is followed by the celebration of Easter afterwards. 40 is relevant because Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness while being tempted by Satan; also the duration is mentioned several times in the Old Testament. It is 6 weeks where Christians are to reflect, not only on the Jesus' final days and message, but also on themselves and to repent for their sins and engage in some penance or self improvement to prepare for His ressurection.
My given name, Stacy, is the Irish form of Eustace, meaning fruitful or steadfast. But it is more familiarly known as the short form of the Greek Anastasia, meaning ressurection. So it's no suprise that I would be constantly trying to improve and re-invent myself. Not in the Madonna way of reinvention, though. Being a Christian, even if I'm sometimes a bad one, I still try to observe Lent. This is because I believe that regardless of my religiousness (is that a word?) or lack thereof; reflection, transcendance and improvement are valuable lessons for everyone.
In the Catholic faith, you are taught to abstain or "give something up" for Lent. Many people give up things such as smoking, drinking, candy, tv, basically giving up a vice. This is to serve as a reminder of the sacrifices that Jesus made in order to grant believers everlasting life. I think it also serves to remind us that many people have gone without these things and remain without these things.We can too, and with all of our extra time or money, we could do something constructive with it. Some people decide that instead of giving something up, they add to their lives by giving back or doing something good for themselves, their family, or their community. Catholics also fast and/or abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. This fasting used to last for all 40 days, but obviously the Church has bent the rules over the centuries. You can still eat fish when fasting because of a deal the Church struck with the fishermen. Think about it, Italy (where the Pope is) is a penninsula. If for 6 weeks no one bought fish, it would be bad news.
But I digress, as usual.
I, like so many other Christians in the world have been doing some self-examination and thinking about things I should improve upon. I have a great many vices I'm working on, but they are only one of the facets of myself that I can work on. One thing that I've been noticing about myself is that I like to control a conversation. Not necessarily do all the talking, because that is exhausting. But I like to control the tone, the occurance, the approach, the frequency. And I absolutely depise being questioned or challenged. I don't know where this defensive streak comes from, nor do I know exactly how long I've been that way. Yes, I'm stubborn; who doesn't like things their own way? That's not news to me. But lately, I've been noticing that I cringe when people say "Hi", because I don't want to engage in conversation. I feel supremely annoyed that they dare talk to me. Or if they ask me a question in conversation, I immediately see it as doubt and get defensive. I never thought I was like that, and it's definitely not a habit I want to keep.
I've known for a long time that I'm naturally introverted, that I need lots of alone time, and I live inside my head, but I never thought of myself as a humbug, a cold scrooge. When I catch myself doing those things, that's what I feel like though. I could make excuses, but the reality is that everyone is over-worked, underpaid, tired, whatever. This comes down to my responsibility to be a better person. 99% of the people I'm around, no matter how much money they make, where they live, when their last vacation was, they're all fighting this same fight. While maybe I'm better than some, I'm still not being the person I want to be. And even if the emotion isn't making it's way to the surface and isn't noticible, it's only a matter of time before it does.
In fact, I recently got this in the interoffice mail:
My coworkers and I send stuff to each other all the time as inside jokes or cute messages. I have no way of knowing who sent it, if this was what they wanted me to read in the article, or why the article made them think of me. But, no matter the reason, this was a definite reminder to me that maybe I should stop being such a prickly burr.
Maybe if I'm getting so defensive, I am not as sure of myself as I think I am. Why else do people get defensive? Having a chip on my shoulder is something I've had for a long time for many reasons, but it's never reared its head this way before where everything was a challenge to me. It makes me think that I don't want to think about my motivations or my potential shortcomings. I've never liked repeating myself, and I've always felt that was understandable, but there is no reason why I should feel so put off by explaining myself. If I don't want to face my weaknesses, then I cannot expect change or improvement. It's not enough to want to change. You have to understand why you should change, what needs to change, and how to not to revert.
I'm a big believer that "if the shoe fits, wear it". Often, when I see people having disproportionate reactions to statements or situations, I discern that they are hiding something or feeling defensive. I don't want to be one of those people who are going around being a victim or is hard to talk to because I'm always reading into things defensively. So while working on all the external things I normally work on during the Lenten season, internally, I'm going to start with more positive thinking and reflection: hopefully that will help my mindset be more open and friendly, if for no one else but myself.
This is a question I ask students all the time to get them practicing for job interviews, and it seems so routine to me now. But this week, I'm looking at it in a different light. For those of you who are Christians, you are currently observing Lent. For those not famililar, Lent is a period of 40 days, beginning with Ash Wednesday and culminating with the crufixition of Christ. Which then of course, is followed by the celebration of Easter afterwards. 40 is relevant because Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness while being tempted by Satan; also the duration is mentioned several times in the Old Testament. It is 6 weeks where Christians are to reflect, not only on the Jesus' final days and message, but also on themselves and to repent for their sins and engage in some penance or self improvement to prepare for His ressurection.
My given name, Stacy, is the Irish form of Eustace, meaning fruitful or steadfast. But it is more familiarly known as the short form of the Greek Anastasia, meaning ressurection. So it's no suprise that I would be constantly trying to improve and re-invent myself. Not in the Madonna way of reinvention, though. Being a Christian, even if I'm sometimes a bad one, I still try to observe Lent. This is because I believe that regardless of my religiousness (is that a word?) or lack thereof; reflection, transcendance and improvement are valuable lessons for everyone.
In the Catholic faith, you are taught to abstain or "give something up" for Lent. Many people give up things such as smoking, drinking, candy, tv, basically giving up a vice. This is to serve as a reminder of the sacrifices that Jesus made in order to grant believers everlasting life. I think it also serves to remind us that many people have gone without these things and remain without these things.We can too, and with all of our extra time or money, we could do something constructive with it. Some people decide that instead of giving something up, they add to their lives by giving back or doing something good for themselves, their family, or their community. Catholics also fast and/or abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. This fasting used to last for all 40 days, but obviously the Church has bent the rules over the centuries. You can still eat fish when fasting because of a deal the Church struck with the fishermen. Think about it, Italy (where the Pope is) is a penninsula. If for 6 weeks no one bought fish, it would be bad news.
But I digress, as usual.
I, like so many other Christians in the world have been doing some self-examination and thinking about things I should improve upon. I have a great many vices I'm working on, but they are only one of the facets of myself that I can work on. One thing that I've been noticing about myself is that I like to control a conversation. Not necessarily do all the talking, because that is exhausting. But I like to control the tone, the occurance, the approach, the frequency. And I absolutely depise being questioned or challenged. I don't know where this defensive streak comes from, nor do I know exactly how long I've been that way. Yes, I'm stubborn; who doesn't like things their own way? That's not news to me. But lately, I've been noticing that I cringe when people say "Hi", because I don't want to engage in conversation. I feel supremely annoyed that they dare talk to me. Or if they ask me a question in conversation, I immediately see it as doubt and get defensive. I never thought I was like that, and it's definitely not a habit I want to keep.
I've known for a long time that I'm naturally introverted, that I need lots of alone time, and I live inside my head, but I never thought of myself as a humbug, a cold scrooge. When I catch myself doing those things, that's what I feel like though. I could make excuses, but the reality is that everyone is over-worked, underpaid, tired, whatever. This comes down to my responsibility to be a better person. 99% of the people I'm around, no matter how much money they make, where they live, when their last vacation was, they're all fighting this same fight. While maybe I'm better than some, I'm still not being the person I want to be. And even if the emotion isn't making it's way to the surface and isn't noticible, it's only a matter of time before it does.
In fact, I recently got this in the interoffice mail:
My coworkers and I send stuff to each other all the time as inside jokes or cute messages. I have no way of knowing who sent it, if this was what they wanted me to read in the article, or why the article made them think of me. But, no matter the reason, this was a definite reminder to me that maybe I should stop being such a prickly burr.
Maybe if I'm getting so defensive, I am not as sure of myself as I think I am. Why else do people get defensive? Having a chip on my shoulder is something I've had for a long time for many reasons, but it's never reared its head this way before where everything was a challenge to me. It makes me think that I don't want to think about my motivations or my potential shortcomings. I've never liked repeating myself, and I've always felt that was understandable, but there is no reason why I should feel so put off by explaining myself. If I don't want to face my weaknesses, then I cannot expect change or improvement. It's not enough to want to change. You have to understand why you should change, what needs to change, and how to not to revert.
I'm a big believer that "if the shoe fits, wear it". Often, when I see people having disproportionate reactions to statements or situations, I discern that they are hiding something or feeling defensive. I don't want to be one of those people who are going around being a victim or is hard to talk to because I'm always reading into things defensively. So while working on all the external things I normally work on during the Lenten season, internally, I'm going to start with more positive thinking and reflection: hopefully that will help my mindset be more open and friendly, if for no one else but myself.
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