I always have a plan. But recently, I started wondering what that really means. And I actually didn't like what it meant for me. I always have *plans*, but maybe not a plan so much. Those are two strikingly different things. That was never who I was though, I wasn't a constant "plans" person. True, I've always been a planner and I like lists. But I was never the person who was going out more than staying home, struggling to find time for the simplest of tasks, time for friends and family, time for herself. I never had to worry so much about how often I said "yes" or "no", because it just wasn't an issue.
Somewhere along the way though, there was some sort of shift in my calendar and in my mind. Something that made me short on time and feeling obligated to honor every single request made of me. Whether it was switching a task or shift at work, meeting a friend for dinner, a Sunday shopping trip, a happy hour, I was doing all of it. I was double or triple booking most days between two jobs and my social calendar. There was no room for impromptu anythings in my life. No treating myself with a leisurely supper of antipasti favorites with a glass of wine at home. No more random movie dates with a friend. No more dog park and cuddle days with the dogs. My netflix account hasn't been touched in months, nor have I gotten a redbox movie.
Another thing that ended up happening was that my ease with being alone changed. More than anything, I wanted time alone, but on the off chance I found a stolen evening, I would spend it in a near vegetative state. I didn't use the time wisely. I didn't catch up on chores, I didn't take the dogs to the park, I didn't go to the gym, I didn't read, I didn't call a long-distance friend. I would come home, let the dogs out, turn on the tv, and not move. God knows, half the time I didn't even bother to eat. I didn't remember how to truly relax and actually enjoy my relaxation or do something good for myself. Once I observed that behavior, I realized that if a friend told me that's how they were spending their time, I would tell them it sounds like depression.
Now I realize that's a big leap to depression. Depression is real and it's debilitating for millions of people. But I also know that if I were to continue at the rate I'm at, I could find myself in a pretty depressed state. I've been physically and emotionally draining myself for months, telling myself it's temporary, but how long is temporary before it's a lifestyle? I can set the alarm for 5am, 6am, 7am and it wouldn't matter, I'd still be sleepy in the morning. Sleeping in, something I hadn't done for years, had suddenly became common place on days I didn't have something to do in the morning. Which only fueled my anxiety because I had wasted so much of the day by the time I got out of bed.
What cost am I paying by keeping my life so busy? My mind is constantly somewhere else. I'm either thinking about what I have to do next, or I'm daydreaming about sleep for much of the time. Some friends just (rightly) assume I'm always busy these days because I've had to say, "I can't - " so much, whether I've wanted to or not. What did I do to my health with all the stress, lack of appetite and not exercising?
So now, I have a new plan. A plan that involves simply saying "no". From now on, my time is my time alone. My first priority is going to be myself and what I need to to; I don't care if that involves scheduling down to every gym and shopping trip, every chore, dog walk or task. Then, and only then can I leave some spots open for others. I have to be the one putting things on my calendar. I'm not being a good friend if I'm never able to make approriate time, or I'm not my best self in the time we do have. Maybe by having less "plans", I can come up with a real "plan" now.
