What Does It Take To Believe We Are Beautiful?

As much as I try not to be, I am still a victim of society to a certain extent. Like every person, I have my insecurities and doubts. But recently, I've really started to wonder what it would be like to see myself through someone else's eyes. See, until this point, I assumed that everyone outside of my closest friends and family saw me as fat, ugly, or at the very least, plain. My friends and family have always told me differently, but I was convinced that as people who loved me unconditionally, they would automatically just see me as beautiful; and while they did, that wouldn't make it true.

If anyone said anything different, I would assume it was because they either wanted something from me, were somehow impaired, or had some sort of a fetish for non-beautiful people. Wow, I think highly of other peoples' tastes, don't I? When I look at myself in the mirror or in pictures, I don't necessarily feel ugly, but I just don't think I'm neccessarily pretty. My eyes a bit too small, nose a bit too wide, uneven skin, far from perfect body. Not wholly unpleasant, but not a movie star.

I don't want to blame fashion magazines, Barbie dolls, television or films. Playing with dolls, watching films, or reading magazines never made me feel badly about myself. It was other people actually. The ones who did ridicule me for things. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't picked on a lot. Going to a small, private school did wonders for creating a family-type environment. When there are only 30 kids in your class (and that's a large class), cliques become a very abstract idea. But I was picked on. From my hair being too blonde (yes that's apparently a thing and they called me an albino), to my weight. I can honestly say that prior to those bullies (who were a few years older than I was and not in my class), I never gave my hair color, eye color, weight or anything else a whole lot of thought. I'm not saying they are the first, last, and only bullies in my life, but they certainly made a clear impression on me.

So why is it that a few negative experiences in my life have led me to believe those people over the other positive experiences? Why would anyone want to believe bad things about themselves? As I look back, I feel like there is a clear progression of how we get to that point in our lives. There's the first realization that someone doesn't find us as "beautiful" as we thought we were. In my case, it was those school-bus bullies. So that's the first chink in your armor. We get knocked off of our pedastal. It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong. The seeds of self-doubt are planted. Then, part of growing up is naturally going to be trial and error. We obssess over failures and mistakes because they confirm those seeds of doubt. We become our own self-fulfulling prophecies. The person you like doesn't like you back. You didn't make the team. You didn't get the lead in the play. You're not "popular".

People come up with all sorts of ways to cope with this. Some people become class clowns. If you can laugh at yourself first, or make your peers laugh at something else, they totally forget whatever it is you're insecure about. Some people become depressed or self-destructive, which is so, so sad. Some people become aggressive. I tried being aggressive and moody in middle school for about six months, but that didn't really make me any happier and confused a lot of people. Hell, middle school is confusing anyway. I did however, remain aggressive on the basketball court. Hello, foul-outs!

What I finally found solace in was being nice. Way too nice, actually. I let a lot of people walk all over me for way too long. I still do sometimes. I found a way to be indispensable to people in a way that I thought forced them to look past whatever it was I had been afraid of. Kind of the whole Steve Martin quote, "Be so good they can't ignore you." Well I was good, whether it was making signs for homecoming, volunteering for every charity event, boosting my sorority's GPA. But being needed is not the same thing as being wanted. I was always needed by many, but I never knew if they wanted me or not.

So fast forward several years, now I'm 30 and probably the most comfortable I've been with myself since I was 7 years old. Yet, I still don't believe it when people throw around the word "beautiful". Perhaps it's the fact that such compliments have come from people who have hurt me the most. Perhaps it's because I think that we don't tell our loved ones the truth because we love them and they are beautiful to us. But when you hear compliments over and over, when is it enough to make them valid? Do I need to be on a cover of a magazine in order to feel validated and beautiful? Because I don't want that. And even if I were voted into People Magazine's Most Beautiful list, there are still going to be people who think I'm ugly. People think Jennifer Lawrence is ugly. People think Ryan Reynolds is ugly. I think these people are insane, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if someone thinks that I'm prettier than they are, or if a friend is attracted to me. These are things you can't or don't talk about. It's not that I obsess over these thoughts or that they rule my life, but I do wonder, and wonder if I even knew the answer, would that satisfy me.

Maybe it's that realization that "beautiful" doesn't actually mean "I love you", "I choose you" or "I need you". That beautiful really isn't enough or what you're actually looking for after all. It's more than that.  So what I'm finally realizing is that yes, there is a shallow part of me that wants to be beautiful. I know I've got a long list of accomplishments and good qualities, and dammit I would like to count being "beautiful" among them. Sorry, I'm not sorry. But I also need to believe I'm beauitful because I will never believe it coming from someone else until I believe it for myself. That may mean faking it until I get there. And not just faking it outwardly, but really stopping the negative thoughts as soon as they enter my brain. I've got to re-train myself and become at peace with all the mean comments I've said about myself and others have said about me. When I can do that, I'll finally be beautiful again.

Pinterest Rant

I need to rant for just a second here. This was going to be a facebook status, but it got too long.

I was on Pinterest this morning looking at the "women's fashion" pins. Someone had pinned a very beautiful diamond ring. The solitare looked to be about 1.5 carats and was flawless. It was set on 3 or 4 intersecting micro-pave set diamond bands that connected on the underside of the ring into a single band. And the caption was "I want a man who can buy me this someday."

Now, maybe I'm being too sensitive sally here, but really? That's what you want? How about a man who can express how he feels? How about a man who honors and cherishes you? A man who wants the same things as you do? A man who will make you laugh? A man who will stay faithful? A man who will respect you? A man who LOVES you? His ability or desire to buy you a $10,000 ring is what you want?!

There is nothing wrong with admiring or even wanting a beautiful ring. If money were no object in my life or in my dream proposal scenario, you can bet that I know exactly what vintage, 1 carat, cushion cut, halo set ring I want. In front of my closest family and friends, while my mom bawls like a baby, even though she knew it was coming because he asked my dad for his blessing weeks ago. What? I like shiny things, okay? I am a girl afterall.

But you know what? My dream is just that. A dream. What I really want is to meet a beautiful human being that I can build a life with. And I don't care if we are middle class our entire lives. And I actually would love to have a ring made from simulated diamonds because then I know that no one died so that I could have real diamonds in my engagement and wedding rings. And I don't need some flash mob of a proposal production. Two of my friends got engaged, literally amidst a pile of moving boxes before they moved to a new State. One friend got engaged when she came home from work after a bad day and her now fiance decided to scrap his plan and he asked her before they even went out for dinner that night.

Call me old-fashioned (ha, that's a laugh), but I like to think that when you find the right person, the ring, the proposal, those things don't matter. As long as it's done with those two people in mind and done from the heart, nothing else should matter. Let's stop this voracious consumerism and instead focus on building full and lasting relationships.

We need to stop "Shaming"

One of themes I keep noticing in the media and our culture lately is how much shaming there is going on. Slut-shaming, indulgence-shaming, success-shaming, friend-shaming.

If you remember 10 years ago, Sex and the City was all the rage (with women anyway), and everyone wanted to be a Carrie or a Samantha. We wanted exciting sex lives and closets full of Manolos in our Upper East Side apartments. We'd have 3 (and only 3) best friends who all knew each other and shared the same bond.  We wanted to be writers or PR people because we would meet so many interesting people, get all kinds of perks, and be oddly introspective as we typed our columns on our laptops. Well, maybe here in Pittsburgh the fantasy is more akin to dating a couple guys on the Steelers or Pens' roster, shopping at Nordstroms, and having wine nights at our Shadyside historic house-turned apartment...

10 years ago, Miranda and Charlotte were lame and boring, too preppy, too understated. They had careers we didn't really relate to or learn a lot about. They were akin to harpies who only served as wet-blankets to Carrie and Samantha's fun-loving, careless lifestyles. They weren't on screen as much, because they didn't have a constant parade of sexual conquests, attention-grabbing outfits, or high profile successes. Miranda was all about her career and Charlotte was all about getting married: Boring!

But for the past few years, it seems that everywhere I turn, there is a facebook status update, a SomeECard, a tv program episode insulting everything from short-shorts to mothers who work too much, to being middle-aged and living like a 30 year old, to someone's choice of friends as "bad". Why? When did we get older and stop accepting people and start seeing them as threats? Is this just the fact that my peers have "gotten older and settled down" and I didn't? Did we evolve right out of some sort of phase we were in, when we wanted to take on the world and do whatever "felt right" to us at the time? Now, the in-thing seems to be having a modest career, a traditional home, stable social life, and a glitzy wedding, but regular marriage.

I recently started thinking about taking a vacation to the Caribbean soon after the New Year. To sort of say good bye to 30, it didn't kill me afterall. And as I carefully construct my plan to save money and take the first vacation I've had in 3 years, and the longest (a week) I've had in 8 years, I started to feel guilty. At least 3 rooms in my house need new flooring. I need to clean the carpets. I need to paint and re-finish the cabinets and basically gut the bathroom.  Some of the people I confide in the most, I've known less than 2 years. I've become a serial monogamist. Then, I get so overwhelmed with all that time, all that money, all that personal risk, that I just want to go sit in the fetal position and rock myself into a catatonic state because the light at the end of the tunnel is gone.

I'm feeling guilty and overwhelmed for taking a 1-week vacation after a year of weddings, breakups and working 2 jobs. It sounds insane. But at the same time, you know there would be someone out there judging me, "she's not buying new flooring, but she'll fly to Punta Cana!"

I also find myself sometimes sensoring things because I'm afraid of being judged. I've gone through some extensive personal growth in the past couple years. Yes, I had a lot of growing pains in the process, but I still feel happy with a lot of my choices and where they've led me to. But with growth comes change, and I'll freely admit that I am not the same person I used to be. That's not a bad thing at all, but I worry that without sensoring, or selectively omitting things, people may think I'm "broken" or that something is wrong; that they will think that I'm manifesting some sort of pain or trauma. I'm not any of those things. In fact, I'm embracing a part of me that I was afraid to before and becoming more myself than ever. I'm finding it easier to say "no", (this is a slow road, but I'm making progress). I'm standing up for myself, I'm not worried about offending someone every time I so much as sneeze.

"She's got a second job?!", "She's seeing someone new again?!", "She said 'No?' That's not like her." Yes, that is me. Because I'm on a quest to better myself and make myself happy. If that means that I work my ass off for a couple years so I can have nice things and to invest in my future, or if I say no because I need to some alone time, or if I don't dwell on guys who aren't worth it, so what? What's wrong with that? I'm not going to apologize for being well-adjusted or because we don't have the same life.

And that's not to say that I don't want or appreciate other lifestyles. I have many close friends who are married, both with and without kids. Families that might have one partner who is a stay at home parent. I have friends who never travel because planes scare them. Friends who don't drink or go out because they don't enjoy it. I have friends with so many interests and choices, yet with all of them, there is common ground somewhere. These friendships work, and more often than not, thrive.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for trusting my gut. I've always somehow known a lot about myself, others and relationships, all based on tiny cues and my own intuition. Sometimes, I only wish I could say my gut is wrong. So please, for whatever reason it is you are shaming, whether it's your insecurities, or your judgements, just stop. Unless you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, you have no clue what they're going through or why they do the things they do. And if you were honestly concerned about them, you'd reach out and ask.

Make new friends, but keep the old...

I'm slowly realizing that most adults in this day and age do not have the long-term and in-depth friendships that I assumed. This is not a diss to new friends at all, or anyone else. Rather to address something that has me so thankful for my friends. Whether new or old, because there are many I consider family at this point from all "eras" of my life.

Everyone is unique, and I am no exception. Most people are completely surprised to learn that I'm actually more introverted than I am extroverted.  Not bragging, but I have never struggled to make friends, although I often assume I will. Frequently, I will be anxious in social situations, but for the most part, I trusted myself and my upbringing/manners/charm to see me through. I also prefer the company of a few people to several, and I need lots of alone time to recharge my batteries. I HATE crowds, any large, noisy group. Which is funny, because sometimes I'm a commotion, all by myself. This is something I've always understood, accepted, and attempted to explain, but now, I just take for granted. I'm seen as miss social director, miss social butterfly. And I have what I feel are circles of friends. Sometimes I worry because I don't have one cohesive circle. Many of my "circles" have collided in the past, so it's not always a length of friendship type-thing. Often, I will have very close friends whom have never met each other, even though I confide in them and talk to them the same way. The opportunity has just never presented itself for them to actually meet.

I have friends who I have been friends with my entire life, since primary school and we were practically raised together. I count some of them as my "best" friends and I know their parents as if they are my own. But I can also state, with some regret, that it wasn't until at least my 20's, that I really trusted people, so I'm glad we had a history and they stuck around to see and love the person I am today and we can continue our bond.

My friends in college saw another side of me, as I slowly opened up. When you're living with people, there's lots you can't hide about yourself, your habits, your dreams.  So my friends from college were the first to see glimpses of the un-censored, non-politically correct me. The first to see and accept me being upset or mad, the first that I talked about relationships with, the first people I really "let go" with.

Let's call the present day as my late-20's, early-30's. Here is where I decided to let it "all hang out". Where I was not going to care because I had friends and family who I had begun to trust (finally), and I didn't need to be anything else. I would tell anyone who cared enough to ask the truth about anything. This was and still is a huge step for me, because I am so guarded. But in my old-age, I'm learning to appreciate my friends' advice and involvement in my life, and that it's much easier going through life being honest.

And in between you have coworkers, grad school buddies, and friends who have fallen in multiple circles. Those with whom I've instantly hit it off with because we're practically the same person, I or share some odd affinity or situation with, the people you've worked long or late hours with, the ones you trust completely. The friends who've hit it off with other friends and it's hard to remember a beginning or end.

When I think about it, so many of my friendships were unintentional. One night out with the Stooges, we tried to figure out ages, where/when we became friends, where we had all been at a certain dates in time. It was odd to think that a few short years ago, we didn't know each other, considering what we know and how we act together now;  we wished we had been friends sooner, to celebrate some important life events together, but obviously we can't go back. And in a different "circle", one of my friends' husbands can't believe the length of time we've been friends, since it spans so much more than 20 years at this point.

The important thing to remember is to above all, be yourself. Even if you are shy or anxious, as I am, you will find coping mechanisms and like-minded people. Be willing to make friends and trust them just a little. It's worth it. Also, don't worry when or how you've met someone or how long you've been friends. That's not important. As Ralph Waldo Emerson, one of my favorite writers, once said, "It's not the length of life, but the depth of life." It is the same with your friends.