Here goes. In 12 hours, I will officially be 30. Christmas has come and gone. I dealt with the family dinner and the, "What is wrong with you?" question from my mother about my love life. I've made my NYE plans and those are to spend it quietly, playing rock band and drinking bourbon punch with very close friends after stopping by my best friend's house to see her family and my godson.
I do feel really weird. Suddenly anxious. Anxious about NYE outside of birthday, even though I have a pressure free celebration planned. And anxious that things will change. But in recent days, I've felt strangely empowered about being 30. Yes, it means I'm a little older. I'm not a 20-something. Yes, a lot of my friends are in committed relationships. But on the other hand, I'm THIRTY. I'm not going to put up with bullshit anymore. I'm not going to just dance around things any more. This is me. Take it or leave it. I'm absolutely done with the vagueness, the politics, the fakeness of my 20's. I legitimately don't have time for it, and really, should anyone even expect me to?
Not that I was ever a fake person, or chased anyone or anything. That was never me, sometimes to a fault. But I can admit to giving more of myself, my time, my emotion, my energy, my thoughts than people deserved. I admit to not saying, "no" enough. I admit that I have done or said a lot of things I didn't want to or that weren't 100% sincere because at times, it was just easier than to do or say what I really felt. But I'm not doing that anymore. I don't mean that I'm going to become this Queen Bitch now that I'm 30, hurting people is never the way to go. I just realize that the key to true happiness is staying true to yourself. I've always known that, but I get hesitant at times because I love making others happy. I do what I can to make them happy, but I've been doing this at my own expense for a long time. I think I'll be a little more selective about those situations.
It's about trusting yourself and trusting your friends. If you can't trust that someone will still be there for you because you didn't drop everything for a last minute happy hour or coffee date, what does that say about your relationship? It's actually insulting to them that you think so little of your connection. So go ahead, say "no" when you need to because your friends and family will understand. You don't need to answer every text, every call, go to everything. What you do need to do is be emotionally available and communicate with the people you care about. That's what matters, quality, not quantity.
So, farewell 2012 and farewell 29. We'll never meet again, but I enjoyed you.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Shall we get started?
December 13, 2012
My thirtieth birthday is just 18 days away. And I've been dreading it for the past 12 months. Saying hello to 30 and goodbye to my 20's is very scary. It's been forcing me to reflect on a decade, the first decade of my "adult" life. How do I measure up? These days, I see one of 4 things when seeing old friends or checking my newsfeed on Facebook (post presidential election, anyway):
1.)Weddings,
2.)Babies,
3.)Celebrity gossip,
4.)Friends who haven't matured past 21.
Where does that put me? And being that my life would seemingly revolve around those 4 things, what do I think about them? Because I've noticed lately, that a lot of my thoughts on these issues have been changing and evolving. I'm certainly a different person entering my 30's than I was entering my 20's. Many times over a different person.
My social and emotional education are not nearly over at this stage of my life. But why can't I help feeling that something, something important is ending. That somewhere, some door is closing and that I will suddenly have all of these regrets and missed opportunities that I can't get back?
Let's take the first thing that seems to be all over my social circle these days, weddings. Marriage. When I was a child, to think that'd be 30 and unmarried was preposterous to me. Yet, at 29 I've seen friends get engaged, married, and unfortunately, divorced, while I've remained perpetually single. Luckily, many of my friends have given single me lots of insight to their relationships. I'm a keen observer and a trustworthy person; so even though I've been on the outside, technically speaking, I've been able to learn a lot. I mean a lot. If I ever do get married, I figure that the level of maturity I'll have gained through time and observation could help me make my marriage fool-proof (please, God).
Most recently what, in my reflections, what I've been able to acertain is that despite all the planning we put into relationships and the serious conversations we have with our significant others, we will never be able to accurately gage our needs in the future. Our needs will change as our lifestyle changes, our relationship changes, as dynamics change. A strong relationship is one where both parties realize this and knows that they will need to continually need to adjust. Sure you can agree to split housecleaning duties 50/50, but that won't always be realistic. Someone will need to start working over time, or a little one will come along. So despite the How I Met Your Mother episode with the pre-nup and everyone fighting over "relationship renegotiations", I think it is important to understand that you will be renegotiating things.
So onto the second, babies. I love babies. I don't even get as mad as most single women do when seeing her newsfeed flooded with them. Now that it seems like a solid 75% of my married friends are either pregnant or already have kids, I've definitely changed my views on parenting. At first, I was one of those "judge-y" people. "Never give kids sugar", "No processed food", "That toy isn't age appropriate", "It's too soon for a toddler bed" etc. Of course I never said those things out loud, but internally, I thought I would do things different. But the more time I spend with my parent-friends and their children, the more I realize that 99% of people are just doing the best they can. So maybe four or five days out of the week you feed little Sally a PB&J for lunch? Little Johnny still sleeps in bed with you and he's almost 2? I don't judge any more. As long as Sally and Johnny are well adjusted, healthy, and happy, I think that's about all you can ask. Because when you have a 3 year old demanding your attention, you play with her all afternoon and let her have a turkey dog for lunch. Just with life, you pick your battles in parenting.
As for celebrities, I am so over them. So Rihanna wants to date Chris Brown again. I really don't care. I don't care about their apalling history, I don't care that they are flaunting it, and I don't care if they stay together or not. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? They've finally found another person who matches them in how much they love themselves. I hope they get married and have a 60 year, blissful marriage in a mirrored house where they can stare at themselves and each other all day. Provided that Kanye sticks to making music, Kim sticks to shopping and I never see them on TV again.
So that brings me to the fourth, the friends that haven't grown up. I'm hoping that I'm not one of those. Because I know that I have my moments and do stupid things no 29 year old should, but for the most part, I take my responsibilities very seriously. I have a real job, which I love. I keep the house (mostly) clean, I've successfully kept my dog alive for 7 and 1/2 years, and he still seems to love me and be healthy. One of my best friends thought highly enough of me to be Godmother to her son. I host tea parties. This is stuff that I assume grownups are expected to do. Yet I still have friends that I see randomly, and I think, "Is she really still dressing like that?", or "Is he really still working there?" I hate to think that way about people that are or were friends of mine. I don't mean to judge them, I truly believe it comes from a place of wanting the best for them and knowing that they are so much better than that.
The moral of the story is, that I (think) I'm an adult, but I am not who I thought I would be or did what I though I would a decade ago. So watch me adapt and change. Join me on my year-long journey to figure out how to mourn my 20's without hating myself and figure "adult me" out.
My thirtieth birthday is just 18 days away. And I've been dreading it for the past 12 months. Saying hello to 30 and goodbye to my 20's is very scary. It's been forcing me to reflect on a decade, the first decade of my "adult" life. How do I measure up? These days, I see one of 4 things when seeing old friends or checking my newsfeed on Facebook (post presidential election, anyway):
1.)Weddings,
2.)Babies,
3.)Celebrity gossip,
4.)Friends who haven't matured past 21.
Where does that put me? And being that my life would seemingly revolve around those 4 things, what do I think about them? Because I've noticed lately, that a lot of my thoughts on these issues have been changing and evolving. I'm certainly a different person entering my 30's than I was entering my 20's. Many times over a different person.
My social and emotional education are not nearly over at this stage of my life. But why can't I help feeling that something, something important is ending. That somewhere, some door is closing and that I will suddenly have all of these regrets and missed opportunities that I can't get back?
Let's take the first thing that seems to be all over my social circle these days, weddings. Marriage. When I was a child, to think that'd be 30 and unmarried was preposterous to me. Yet, at 29 I've seen friends get engaged, married, and unfortunately, divorced, while I've remained perpetually single. Luckily, many of my friends have given single me lots of insight to their relationships. I'm a keen observer and a trustworthy person; so even though I've been on the outside, technically speaking, I've been able to learn a lot. I mean a lot. If I ever do get married, I figure that the level of maturity I'll have gained through time and observation could help me make my marriage fool-proof (please, God).
Most recently what, in my reflections, what I've been able to acertain is that despite all the planning we put into relationships and the serious conversations we have with our significant others, we will never be able to accurately gage our needs in the future. Our needs will change as our lifestyle changes, our relationship changes, as dynamics change. A strong relationship is one where both parties realize this and knows that they will need to continually need to adjust. Sure you can agree to split housecleaning duties 50/50, but that won't always be realistic. Someone will need to start working over time, or a little one will come along. So despite the How I Met Your Mother episode with the pre-nup and everyone fighting over "relationship renegotiations", I think it is important to understand that you will be renegotiating things.
So onto the second, babies. I love babies. I don't even get as mad as most single women do when seeing her newsfeed flooded with them. Now that it seems like a solid 75% of my married friends are either pregnant or already have kids, I've definitely changed my views on parenting. At first, I was one of those "judge-y" people. "Never give kids sugar", "No processed food", "That toy isn't age appropriate", "It's too soon for a toddler bed" etc. Of course I never said those things out loud, but internally, I thought I would do things different. But the more time I spend with my parent-friends and their children, the more I realize that 99% of people are just doing the best they can. So maybe four or five days out of the week you feed little Sally a PB&J for lunch? Little Johnny still sleeps in bed with you and he's almost 2? I don't judge any more. As long as Sally and Johnny are well adjusted, healthy, and happy, I think that's about all you can ask. Because when you have a 3 year old demanding your attention, you play with her all afternoon and let her have a turkey dog for lunch. Just with life, you pick your battles in parenting.
As for celebrities, I am so over them. So Rihanna wants to date Chris Brown again. I really don't care. I don't care about their apalling history, I don't care that they are flaunting it, and I don't care if they stay together or not. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? They've finally found another person who matches them in how much they love themselves. I hope they get married and have a 60 year, blissful marriage in a mirrored house where they can stare at themselves and each other all day. Provided that Kanye sticks to making music, Kim sticks to shopping and I never see them on TV again.
So that brings me to the fourth, the friends that haven't grown up. I'm hoping that I'm not one of those. Because I know that I have my moments and do stupid things no 29 year old should, but for the most part, I take my responsibilities very seriously. I have a real job, which I love. I keep the house (mostly) clean, I've successfully kept my dog alive for 7 and 1/2 years, and he still seems to love me and be healthy. One of my best friends thought highly enough of me to be Godmother to her son. I host tea parties. This is stuff that I assume grownups are expected to do. Yet I still have friends that I see randomly, and I think, "Is she really still dressing like that?", or "Is he really still working there?" I hate to think that way about people that are or were friends of mine. I don't mean to judge them, I truly believe it comes from a place of wanting the best for them and knowing that they are so much better than that.
The moral of the story is, that I (think) I'm an adult, but I am not who I thought I would be or did what I though I would a decade ago. So watch me adapt and change. Join me on my year-long journey to figure out how to mourn my 20's without hating myself and figure "adult me" out.
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