If you got my Big Bang Theory reference, then yay, we are probably great friends. If not, I'll explain. Sheldon's character is socially inept, although he's a brilliant scientist. In one particular episode, he asks what "friends with benefits" are. And truth be told, the first thing I think when I hear the word "benefits" is health insurance. Maybe because I am so concerned with health and well being, especially now that I realize that I'm not 18 anymore.
Yet, I think I'm a bit more socially educated and progressive than Sheldon, so I know what "friends with benefits" are. And I'm all for that. What two consenting adults do together is none of my concern and I've always felt that way. Yes, I know how it works. You get to have the physical part of a relationship, without the emotional strings. Drama free, no obligations. People have biological needs, okay? It's your body, you do what you want with yours, let me do what I want with mine and we're square.
But, what are the other rules? Like, can you have more than one FWB at a time? What happens if you meet someone and you want to actually date them? Do you then dump your FWB? How do you dump a FWB? What's the social media protocol? Do you follow each other on Twitter? Do you ask how their day was? Is being FWB kind of like have a one night stand with the same person, several times?
I like to think that I'm pretty non-traditional, but there are reasons why it seems the overwhelming majority of people seek out relationships or at least the appearance of a relationship. The reasons range from moral to functional to financial, which are again, your business, not mine, but they make sense. I know it's something I personally prefer to other situations.
Don't let Hollywood trick you, I'm sure it's not like that Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman movie, or the Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake movie. But, by the same token, I bet it can be difficult if one or both parties start to develop feelings which is why those movies exist. In an anti-relationship, where do those feelings go? There isn't a place for them. Well, what do we know about emotions that don't have an outlet? They have to manifest somewhere. And that somewhere can be unhealthy.
I'm not trying to ruin anyone's game here. I'm sure for a lot of people, it works. Maybe you're a busy person and not looking to date someone. Maybe you suck at relationships and would rather not have one. But what I am trying to learn is where the "drama free" part is.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Further Down the Rabbit Hole
This blog has certainly been a place for reflection for me, and while I was working on a different entry, I felt compelled to write about something else this week before it escaped me. What was so diverting, you may ask? Feelings and what goes left unsaid. Don't worry, my pity party from last week has ended, I'm currently referring to generalities. After writing about the lies we tell and the unpleasant realities in the search for love, I didn't want to lose the momentum of thought I was experiencing.
First, I made the observation that we leave a great deal unsaid in our lives. The "I miss you", "please don't go", or "take me with you". The "I love you", or "I'm falling for you". Or how about "No, I'm not okay" or "No, I can't do this"? "I'm proud of you" or "I'm hurt". I don't know about you, but there are a great many things that I don't say every day.
I am familiar with the old adages that "Some things are best left unsaid" and "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". And often, these are excellent pieces of advice. Believe it or not, I don't always just want to watch the world burn. Rocking the boat has it's time and place.
This a two sided coin though. On one hand, how different would our lives be if we shared some of those feelings more often? If you've been reading, I'm sure you've realized by now that I wonder "What if?" sometimes and there are times that I wish I'd been more open with my feelings. How many opportunities have passed us by because we've left things unsaid or done? How many situations have merited my input or thoughts, and I withheld them? It's not good to dwell on these, but maybe we can learn from them.
On the other hand however, how much of what we have felt has been fleeting or false? To acknowledge things out loud can make them too real, and that's not always a good thing. Once something is spoken or done, it can't be taken back. When I think about all the emotions I've felt, or the impulsive things I have said and done, there are a few I wish I could take back. I've said things or felt things, both good and bad, that in hindsight just didn't make sense. In those cases, it is better to leave things unsaid.
And what about others' feelings? Sometimes you have to hold in that secret because it's what is best for someone else or the greater good. When honesty is the best policy fails, spilling your guts to relieve your own mind isn't really fair. Sure, it makes for a great scene in a film; girl tells lonely boy she loves him before he catches a plane to go across the country and pursue his dream. Boy stops girl from marrying Mr. Perfect just before she says "I do" because he's finally realized what he let go. Great at the cinema. But what happens after that climactic, emotional moment? In the theater, the credits roll. In real life, there are consequences.
Yes, the world has jaded me, and yes, I've built plenty of walls. I do want to work on that because I know I have a lot to learn. And let's face it, perhaps being a sentimental person is my last and bravest frontier since I've tried everything else. But that doesn't change the fact that we all leave things unsaid. We have to. The key to this though, is using wisdom to tell us what should and shouldn't be said. Because emotions and feelings can be so temporary, and our words or actions can affect others, a judgement call must be made. Which brings me back to advice I heard many years ago, and seems applicable in almost any situation:
Ask yourself, "How will this affect me in 1 year/5 years/10 years?"
Opportunity cost is something we will always have to deal with in life. We miss opportunities every single day and make these choices all day long. What to eat for lunch. How to phrase that e-mail. Should I buy those shoes? Say "yes" to that date? Tell someone how I feel?
Some choices are bigger or more important than others, but we shouldn't agonize over every decision. We would never wonder "what if" in reference to our choice of clothing every day. Likewise, we shouldn't devote so much time to wondering the same thing about our high school crush, our deceased loved one, the job we didn't take. For every choice you make, the other half of the equation remains. At best, we are grateful for the wise choices, but we never dwell on the negative that *could* have happened. It's the unwise or impulsive choices that tend to leave us with regret.
I say, let go of your regret, my friends. We are all leaving things unspoken and asking ourselves the same questions. Opportunities come and go, as do our emotions. Treat each other well and put forth good karma. It will be okay.
First, I made the observation that we leave a great deal unsaid in our lives. The "I miss you", "please don't go", or "take me with you". The "I love you", or "I'm falling for you". Or how about "No, I'm not okay" or "No, I can't do this"? "I'm proud of you" or "I'm hurt". I don't know about you, but there are a great many things that I don't say every day.
I am familiar with the old adages that "Some things are best left unsaid" and "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". And often, these are excellent pieces of advice. Believe it or not, I don't always just want to watch the world burn. Rocking the boat has it's time and place.
This a two sided coin though. On one hand, how different would our lives be if we shared some of those feelings more often? If you've been reading, I'm sure you've realized by now that I wonder "What if?" sometimes and there are times that I wish I'd been more open with my feelings. How many opportunities have passed us by because we've left things unsaid or done? How many situations have merited my input or thoughts, and I withheld them? It's not good to dwell on these, but maybe we can learn from them.
On the other hand however, how much of what we have felt has been fleeting or false? To acknowledge things out loud can make them too real, and that's not always a good thing. Once something is spoken or done, it can't be taken back. When I think about all the emotions I've felt, or the impulsive things I have said and done, there are a few I wish I could take back. I've said things or felt things, both good and bad, that in hindsight just didn't make sense. In those cases, it is better to leave things unsaid.
And what about others' feelings? Sometimes you have to hold in that secret because it's what is best for someone else or the greater good. When honesty is the best policy fails, spilling your guts to relieve your own mind isn't really fair. Sure, it makes for a great scene in a film; girl tells lonely boy she loves him before he catches a plane to go across the country and pursue his dream. Boy stops girl from marrying Mr. Perfect just before she says "I do" because he's finally realized what he let go. Great at the cinema. But what happens after that climactic, emotional moment? In the theater, the credits roll. In real life, there are consequences.
Yes, the world has jaded me, and yes, I've built plenty of walls. I do want to work on that because I know I have a lot to learn. And let's face it, perhaps being a sentimental person is my last and bravest frontier since I've tried everything else. But that doesn't change the fact that we all leave things unsaid. We have to. The key to this though, is using wisdom to tell us what should and shouldn't be said. Because emotions and feelings can be so temporary, and our words or actions can affect others, a judgement call must be made. Which brings me back to advice I heard many years ago, and seems applicable in almost any situation:
Ask yourself, "How will this affect me in 1 year/5 years/10 years?"
Opportunity cost is something we will always have to deal with in life. We miss opportunities every single day and make these choices all day long. What to eat for lunch. How to phrase that e-mail. Should I buy those shoes? Say "yes" to that date? Tell someone how I feel?
Some choices are bigger or more important than others, but we shouldn't agonize over every decision. We would never wonder "what if" in reference to our choice of clothing every day. Likewise, we shouldn't devote so much time to wondering the same thing about our high school crush, our deceased loved one, the job we didn't take. For every choice you make, the other half of the equation remains. At best, we are grateful for the wise choices, but we never dwell on the negative that *could* have happened. It's the unwise or impulsive choices that tend to leave us with regret.
I say, let go of your regret, my friends. We are all leaving things unspoken and asking ourselves the same questions. Opportunities come and go, as do our emotions. Treat each other well and put forth good karma. It will be okay.
Friday, February 15, 2013
It's my party...
I try really hard to avoid the whole issue around Valentine's Day, aside from a totally superficial standpoint. As in, I'll use it as in excuse to send dumb stuff through the interoffice mail, or have heart shaped foods at a girls night at my house. But anything more, I feel is a waste of time at this point in my life. If I love it, I'm a mushy, romantic, sentimental, silly woman. If I hate it, I'm a bitter, hurt, obviously single woman. I can't win, nor do I care to.
I actually don't mind the idea that people everywhere take a day to let each other know how loved and appreciated their spouse, significant other, friends, family, etc. are. So many people use the argument that, "You shouldn't need a special day to tell someone you care." I don't follow that logic. Because if that's the case, we don't need birthdays to remind us that we're happy someone was born (or relieved they made another year). We don't need Christmas or Passover or Ramadan to remind us of our faith. We don't need St. Patty's Day or San Rocco or Oktoberfest to remind us of our heritage or culture.
Really, we don't need any of those holidays. But we keep them. It's tradition. They remind us of what's important. It's a way to celebrate and bring people together. So is Valentine's Day. Think about it. How much do you take the people in your life for granted? See last week's post about lying if right now you're saying that you don't. You do. I do. We all do. I have a really difficult time expressing my feelings, sentiment especially. I can't even do it through greeting cards where someone else writes the words for me! More often than not, I give out funny ones. Even to my mom. Even for Mother's Day.
As much and as deeply as I might love someone, and I try to never mistreat them or take them for granted, I'm sure there are times that they feel taken for granted or wonder how I feel. Because I absolutely never say it, and I don't always show it. Believe me, if you've received so much as a compliment, or dare I say, affection from me, I really mean it and you mean a lot to me.
This year was going to be like so many others for me. It's just another day; do nice things for people, tell my friends and family I love them, and go on with my day. Forget that in the past year and a half, I've been in my own personal emotional rollercoaster. I'm great at rationalizing and compartmentalizing though, and I thought that I came out of it all relatively unscathed. Besides; I have so much to be thankful for.
Then this weekend though, for about the zillionth time, someone mistook my best friend for my boyfriend. And then, I remembered how alone I really was, and how having so many friends of the opposite sex can give people the wrong impression or complicate things. Compounded by the fact that I started feeling feelings (I hate that), and ran into people or saw things that were absolutely not part of my weekend plans. So from Friday night on, I've pretty much been having a massive pity party for myself.
Why is it that in a world where technology and money are king, and we take each other for granted, is "love" such a driving force? For so many of us, it's what we base much of our personal success on. Maybe it all comes down to biology. That factor that we can't ignore and leads us to want find someone and procreate. Pass on our DNA, leave a legacy. And the fear of dying alone. I can't seem to avoid it. At my age, my grandparents had 4 kids. My parents were married. My other set of grandparents was married and had their 2 kids. And while life expectancy has increased and we live longer, arguably fuller lives, our window of procreating or being "conventionally attractive" has not increased. And ladies, men don't face this argument the way we do, if at all. I can't blame them. If this is an argument of science, science has shown that they can father children their entire lives. So if they're breathing, biology is on their side. As is thousands of years of culture and socialization.
I could blame my mother, as many women do. She would happily accept a marriage or grandchild (planned or unplanned) tomorrow. I can also blame society, another popular scapegoat. But the truth of the matter is, as hard as I've fought to be my own person, I made the decision to embrace this mother/wife role on some level, a long time ago, myself. So while I would love to remain the standoffish, unflappable person I strive to be, I'm faced with a reality that many women my age are also facing: the idea that "it" may never happen for you.
"It" being a traditional marriage and babies. Because believe it or not, the ice queen herself, miss independent, daddy's girl, Annie Oakley wannabe actually wants that. On my own terms of course; as my fictional hero, Elizabeth Bennet said, "I am determined that nothing but the deepest love could ever induce me into matrimony." But I still wanted it. I am so jealous of my friends who remain ambiguous on this. Because while there is that margin of error for regret for them, I already feel a sense of regret to my core. Regret, despite my best efforts. Despite the fact that I love my career, have a masters, have amazing family and friends.
As I write this blog, I'm actually ashamed of myself for being depressed about this. So many people in this world would kill for this life and the things I've accomplished. And it's a wonderful life. My family, friends, and colleagues are amazing people I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm always busy doing something fun with them. I know that lifestyle would change if I were to meet someone, get married, and have kids, so I do appreciate that. I know a lot of people sometimes wish they had the free time or options I have. It would definitely be hard to give up.
I don't know if it's the embarrassment for being sad, faith that I'll come to terms, or just plain a lack of time, but I decided that by Valentine's Day, I had to stop this pity party on it's tracks. The only problem is that I don't know how. When it comes to so many things, I at least have an idea. Drain doesn't work? Shut off the water and take apart the pipes. Gizmo is being weird? Feed him, make sure he has water, let him out, and play with him. Cupcakes are flat? Try new baking powder. Emotional things, I'm not so good at. I observe and advise people for a living. I'm more self aware than most. But I've completely hit a road block here. This may not be an easy or quick fix. I don't know if it's just time, or figuring out what it could be that will fulfill me the way I felt about being Suzie Homemaker. My only idea right now is being a modern-day gypsy. I could travel, sing, advise, be a storyteller...It would be interesting.
A lot of my friends have told me, "It will happen", or "You're still young!" I appreciate it, because I know it comes from a place of loving me and realizing that I'm totally awesome. And I know that I have the next 50 or so years of my life to meet someone. I'm not saying that I'm now rejecting something that I wanted. But not everyone does meet someone. Not every woman who wants to be a mother becomes one. Remember from last week's post, I don't like sugar coating, and this is just reality. Why should I keep clinging to something that may or may not happen? I'm not really closing a door as much as I'm looking for more doors. There are things that I can go out there and try or do or acheive. I can make those happen. Hell, I might even enjoy it.
In many of my blogs, so far, I've tried to wrap some wisdom in my words. But I feel that this week, I don't have anything to specific to impart. Honestly, I'm not normally like this. I don't like feeling all emotional and helpless or desperate. I even hesitated in writing this entry because I didn't want to expose that side of myself. I've edited this a million times, trying to find the right words or tone. But I want to look back some day, no matter what happens, so I can remember this and reflect on it. I will leave you with this: to the single girls out there who feel conflicted, you're not alone. And to those not single, I hope you feel fulfilled and are still having fun, whether you've been together 2 weeks or 40 years.
I actually don't mind the idea that people everywhere take a day to let each other know how loved and appreciated their spouse, significant other, friends, family, etc. are. So many people use the argument that, "You shouldn't need a special day to tell someone you care." I don't follow that logic. Because if that's the case, we don't need birthdays to remind us that we're happy someone was born (or relieved they made another year). We don't need Christmas or Passover or Ramadan to remind us of our faith. We don't need St. Patty's Day or San Rocco or Oktoberfest to remind us of our heritage or culture.
Really, we don't need any of those holidays. But we keep them. It's tradition. They remind us of what's important. It's a way to celebrate and bring people together. So is Valentine's Day. Think about it. How much do you take the people in your life for granted? See last week's post about lying if right now you're saying that you don't. You do. I do. We all do. I have a really difficult time expressing my feelings, sentiment especially. I can't even do it through greeting cards where someone else writes the words for me! More often than not, I give out funny ones. Even to my mom. Even for Mother's Day.
As much and as deeply as I might love someone, and I try to never mistreat them or take them for granted, I'm sure there are times that they feel taken for granted or wonder how I feel. Because I absolutely never say it, and I don't always show it. Believe me, if you've received so much as a compliment, or dare I say, affection from me, I really mean it and you mean a lot to me.
This year was going to be like so many others for me. It's just another day; do nice things for people, tell my friends and family I love them, and go on with my day. Forget that in the past year and a half, I've been in my own personal emotional rollercoaster. I'm great at rationalizing and compartmentalizing though, and I thought that I came out of it all relatively unscathed. Besides; I have so much to be thankful for.
Then this weekend though, for about the zillionth time, someone mistook my best friend for my boyfriend. And then, I remembered how alone I really was, and how having so many friends of the opposite sex can give people the wrong impression or complicate things. Compounded by the fact that I started feeling feelings (I hate that), and ran into people or saw things that were absolutely not part of my weekend plans. So from Friday night on, I've pretty much been having a massive pity party for myself.
Why is it that in a world where technology and money are king, and we take each other for granted, is "love" such a driving force? For so many of us, it's what we base much of our personal success on. Maybe it all comes down to biology. That factor that we can't ignore and leads us to want find someone and procreate. Pass on our DNA, leave a legacy. And the fear of dying alone. I can't seem to avoid it. At my age, my grandparents had 4 kids. My parents were married. My other set of grandparents was married and had their 2 kids. And while life expectancy has increased and we live longer, arguably fuller lives, our window of procreating or being "conventionally attractive" has not increased. And ladies, men don't face this argument the way we do, if at all. I can't blame them. If this is an argument of science, science has shown that they can father children their entire lives. So if they're breathing, biology is on their side. As is thousands of years of culture and socialization.
I could blame my mother, as many women do. She would happily accept a marriage or grandchild (planned or unplanned) tomorrow. I can also blame society, another popular scapegoat. But the truth of the matter is, as hard as I've fought to be my own person, I made the decision to embrace this mother/wife role on some level, a long time ago, myself. So while I would love to remain the standoffish, unflappable person I strive to be, I'm faced with a reality that many women my age are also facing: the idea that "it" may never happen for you.
"It" being a traditional marriage and babies. Because believe it or not, the ice queen herself, miss independent, daddy's girl, Annie Oakley wannabe actually wants that. On my own terms of course; as my fictional hero, Elizabeth Bennet said, "I am determined that nothing but the deepest love could ever induce me into matrimony." But I still wanted it. I am so jealous of my friends who remain ambiguous on this. Because while there is that margin of error for regret for them, I already feel a sense of regret to my core. Regret, despite my best efforts. Despite the fact that I love my career, have a masters, have amazing family and friends.
As I write this blog, I'm actually ashamed of myself for being depressed about this. So many people in this world would kill for this life and the things I've accomplished. And it's a wonderful life. My family, friends, and colleagues are amazing people I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm always busy doing something fun with them. I know that lifestyle would change if I were to meet someone, get married, and have kids, so I do appreciate that. I know a lot of people sometimes wish they had the free time or options I have. It would definitely be hard to give up.
I don't know if it's the embarrassment for being sad, faith that I'll come to terms, or just plain a lack of time, but I decided that by Valentine's Day, I had to stop this pity party on it's tracks. The only problem is that I don't know how. When it comes to so many things, I at least have an idea. Drain doesn't work? Shut off the water and take apart the pipes. Gizmo is being weird? Feed him, make sure he has water, let him out, and play with him. Cupcakes are flat? Try new baking powder. Emotional things, I'm not so good at. I observe and advise people for a living. I'm more self aware than most. But I've completely hit a road block here. This may not be an easy or quick fix. I don't know if it's just time, or figuring out what it could be that will fulfill me the way I felt about being Suzie Homemaker. My only idea right now is being a modern-day gypsy. I could travel, sing, advise, be a storyteller...It would be interesting.
A lot of my friends have told me, "It will happen", or "You're still young!" I appreciate it, because I know it comes from a place of loving me and realizing that I'm totally awesome. And I know that I have the next 50 or so years of my life to meet someone. I'm not saying that I'm now rejecting something that I wanted. But not everyone does meet someone. Not every woman who wants to be a mother becomes one. Remember from last week's post, I don't like sugar coating, and this is just reality. Why should I keep clinging to something that may or may not happen? I'm not really closing a door as much as I'm looking for more doors. There are things that I can go out there and try or do or acheive. I can make those happen. Hell, I might even enjoy it.
In many of my blogs, so far, I've tried to wrap some wisdom in my words. But I feel that this week, I don't have anything to specific to impart. Honestly, I'm not normally like this. I don't like feeling all emotional and helpless or desperate. I even hesitated in writing this entry because I didn't want to expose that side of myself. I've edited this a million times, trying to find the right words or tone. But I want to look back some day, no matter what happens, so I can remember this and reflect on it. I will leave you with this: to the single girls out there who feel conflicted, you're not alone. And to those not single, I hope you feel fulfilled and are still having fun, whether you've been together 2 weeks or 40 years.
Friday, February 8, 2013
The Lying Game
"I'm okay"
"I don't think about her/him anymore"
"It will get better"
"I'm better than she/he is"
"I'm right"
"I deserve/earned this"
These are a sampling of the lies we tell ourselves every day. And it's not a question of if we lie to ourselves. It's what lies do we tell ourselves and why.
It's too hard to have conflicting thoughts or values; it leads to anxiety, fear, etc. We call this cognitive dissonance. Then, we tell ourselves something to stop the dissonance. But how deep do you go with your false realities? Do you seek out information to confirm what you want to hear? Do you justify or rationalize?
Sometimes these lies we tell ourselves are what we need to say in order to make it through the day so we can do it all again tomorrow. Sometimes they are truths that we don't quite believe or can't see yet. As much as I value being honest, honest with myself and with others, I find myself sugar coating things because I've deemed the alternative unacceptable. Sometimes I just have to "fake it until I make it"; I tell myself something until it is true, or until whatever it is causing me to be anxious has passed and it's no longer an issue.
I'm not trying to be depressing here, quite the opposite. I want you to know that you're not alone. Even a blunt, forthright person like myself has to tell herself little lies. We need these lies for many different reasons, but make sure you're examining your reasons closely. How invested are your getting in your lies? How is that affecting your relationships? How is that affecting the relationship you have with yourself? Are you building a world where things are positive or negative? Did you forget or lose the truth at some point?
What of the lies we tell each other? Some of the lies you tell yourself, you tell others as well. It helps make them more believeable, it helps validate them. And I don't know about you, but I am quite guilty of the lie of omission. There are a great many things I don't tell others because I'm convinced that no one will understand, or they won't feel the same way I do, or I'll misinterpreted.
One of my trade secrets: Because of this lie of omission, I've become an excellent communicator in other aspects, and an expert listener. The more I can steer the conversation around small talk, the other person, current events, anything else, the less I have to reveal. I've developed this because I realized that when you're quiet, people know, or think they know, that you're deep in thought. Or that something is bothering you. Or that you're shy. Then, they spend a lot of time and attention trying to draw you out. Well, the best defense is a good offense, so why not prevent that whole cat and mouse game?
Then, there are the lies we tell others because we know it's what they want to hear.
"Oh yes, that looks great on you!"
"No, I don't think it's a big deal"
"You're right, So-and-So is a bitch!"
"Don't worry, everything is going to work out"
"No, it won't be that hard"
"You can totally lose 50 pounds in 12 weeks!"
I try not to tell these too often, because I'd rather be respected for my integrity, than only kept around as a yes-woman. A lot of it has to do with how receptive the listener is. If I know they are in no way, shape, or form looking for honesty, nor would they appreciate, let alone welcome it, I lie. But with my close friends, or with important things, I try to never lie, or at least sugarcoat a big grain of truth in my answer.
Not to mention the lies we tell to "get out" of something.
"I'm sick"
"I'm busy"
"I forgot"
"I have a family thing"
"I have to work"
Of course this is a specific situation, but I was with a faculty friend of mine who happened to be giving their first exam of the term. During our short meeting, they recieved no less than 5 e-mails, a mere two hours prior to giving the exam. Every exuse from headache to "forgetting" to having too much on their plate. Are you kidding me?
My point is, there are situations or individuals where this type of lie is a pattern. Not a coincidence, not a last minute wrench in the plans. These are deliberate lies. And they are very easy to see through. Yes, things happen, the world isn't perfect. But unless you're telling the truth, or some kind of a pathological liar willing to commit to and live in a false reality, these are poor excuses for something you just don't feel like doing. Come on, at least be honest.
You see, lies are only a short term answer. They are simply bandaids for things that only time and the truth can heal. A person willing or ready to face the truth will finally fix the things that are wrong so they won't need to lie anymore. But the question is, how much damage are you doing in the meantime with the bandaids? Everyone knows that wounds need the proper amount of oxygen to heal. Smothering them with a bandaid, especially the wrong bandaid, or keeping the bandaid on for too long makes them worse. And sometimes, ripping a bandaid off is more painful than the cut itself.
So remember that you need a daily dose of truth. You need to be self aware. Are you frantically trying to patch up a dam that's ready to burst or put a bandaid on a chainsaw wound? Or are you putting a bandaid on a papercut that will be gone by tomorrow?
"I don't think about her/him anymore"
"It will get better"
"I'm better than she/he is"
"I'm right"
"I deserve/earned this"
These are a sampling of the lies we tell ourselves every day. And it's not a question of if we lie to ourselves. It's what lies do we tell ourselves and why.
It's too hard to have conflicting thoughts or values; it leads to anxiety, fear, etc. We call this cognitive dissonance. Then, we tell ourselves something to stop the dissonance. But how deep do you go with your false realities? Do you seek out information to confirm what you want to hear? Do you justify or rationalize?
Sometimes these lies we tell ourselves are what we need to say in order to make it through the day so we can do it all again tomorrow. Sometimes they are truths that we don't quite believe or can't see yet. As much as I value being honest, honest with myself and with others, I find myself sugar coating things because I've deemed the alternative unacceptable. Sometimes I just have to "fake it until I make it"; I tell myself something until it is true, or until whatever it is causing me to be anxious has passed and it's no longer an issue.
I'm not trying to be depressing here, quite the opposite. I want you to know that you're not alone. Even a blunt, forthright person like myself has to tell herself little lies. We need these lies for many different reasons, but make sure you're examining your reasons closely. How invested are your getting in your lies? How is that affecting your relationships? How is that affecting the relationship you have with yourself? Are you building a world where things are positive or negative? Did you forget or lose the truth at some point?
What of the lies we tell each other? Some of the lies you tell yourself, you tell others as well. It helps make them more believeable, it helps validate them. And I don't know about you, but I am quite guilty of the lie of omission. There are a great many things I don't tell others because I'm convinced that no one will understand, or they won't feel the same way I do, or I'll misinterpreted.
One of my trade secrets: Because of this lie of omission, I've become an excellent communicator in other aspects, and an expert listener. The more I can steer the conversation around small talk, the other person, current events, anything else, the less I have to reveal. I've developed this because I realized that when you're quiet, people know, or think they know, that you're deep in thought. Or that something is bothering you. Or that you're shy. Then, they spend a lot of time and attention trying to draw you out. Well, the best defense is a good offense, so why not prevent that whole cat and mouse game?
Then, there are the lies we tell others because we know it's what they want to hear.
"Oh yes, that looks great on you!"
"No, I don't think it's a big deal"
"You're right, So-and-So is a bitch!"
"Don't worry, everything is going to work out"
"No, it won't be that hard"
"You can totally lose 50 pounds in 12 weeks!"
I try not to tell these too often, because I'd rather be respected for my integrity, than only kept around as a yes-woman. A lot of it has to do with how receptive the listener is. If I know they are in no way, shape, or form looking for honesty, nor would they appreciate, let alone welcome it, I lie. But with my close friends, or with important things, I try to never lie, or at least sugarcoat a big grain of truth in my answer.
Not to mention the lies we tell to "get out" of something.
"I'm sick"
"I'm busy"
"I forgot"
"I have a family thing"
"I have to work"
Of course this is a specific situation, but I was with a faculty friend of mine who happened to be giving their first exam of the term. During our short meeting, they recieved no less than 5 e-mails, a mere two hours prior to giving the exam. Every exuse from headache to "forgetting" to having too much on their plate. Are you kidding me?
My point is, there are situations or individuals where this type of lie is a pattern. Not a coincidence, not a last minute wrench in the plans. These are deliberate lies. And they are very easy to see through. Yes, things happen, the world isn't perfect. But unless you're telling the truth, or some kind of a pathological liar willing to commit to and live in a false reality, these are poor excuses for something you just don't feel like doing. Come on, at least be honest.
You see, lies are only a short term answer. They are simply bandaids for things that only time and the truth can heal. A person willing or ready to face the truth will finally fix the things that are wrong so they won't need to lie anymore. But the question is, how much damage are you doing in the meantime with the bandaids? Everyone knows that wounds need the proper amount of oxygen to heal. Smothering them with a bandaid, especially the wrong bandaid, or keeping the bandaid on for too long makes them worse. And sometimes, ripping a bandaid off is more painful than the cut itself.
So remember that you need a daily dose of truth. You need to be self aware. Are you frantically trying to patch up a dam that's ready to burst or put a bandaid on a chainsaw wound? Or are you putting a bandaid on a papercut that will be gone by tomorrow?
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