Goodbye, 2013

I suppose that with less than a week left in 2013 and the same amount remaining my my thirtieth year, it's time to reflect and update on what this year and this blog has been. At times, it's been my soapbox, my kleenex, my opportunity to brag, my reason to brag, my biggest fear and my best frenemy. I've shared ideas, thoughts, feelings and reflections with you. My frustrations, my embarrassments, my triumphs, pains and my hope that I was somehow, not alone in them.

I spent a lot of the year confused and lost about what was all of this for and how in the world did I walk the line between hope and realism? Why doesn't my life look like I thought it should? Where did I go wrong? How would I deal or adapt to accepting new dreams, should mine become obsolete or unreasonable? Yes it was comical, because while sometimes I felt in adequate, I never felt incapable, and I never could quite become self-loathing (I love me too much!).  I have many entries started that went un-published because the thought lost steam, or became so long and rambling, I exhausted myself (the music entry that never was).

This year was definitely one of self discovery and development. About taking new approaches and accepting myself and knowing myself better than I ever did before.  About deciding what I wanted, being upfront about it, and how I could get it. There's a lot of work to be done, still. But in the short time since my last entry, a lot has changed. As some of you know, I've recently met somebody. Somebody who has turned my life upside down in the most wonderful way. He is the first man I've dated with whom there is no ambiguity, no games, just the most organic and open communication and progression I can imagine. It was something I never thought could happen because all my other experiences have been that of non-committal purgatory, and me wondering if there was anyone out there who I was a.) attracted to, and b.) actually wanted the same things I did, and c.) was able to communicate openly.

I was thinking last night, and I remembered the words of a gentleman I went on a few dates with a couple months ago; had we met under different circumstances, we might have been good friends, but we were not relationship compatible. He told me never to settle. I think he knew that I was growing weary of "the game". At the time, I figured it was just something we were telling each other because we wanted to respect and encourage each other. We genuinely did like each other and have fun together. I brushed it off, because what truly constitutes as "settling"? Love is compromise, right?  Now that I've had the chance to compare my experiences in the past with my current one, it all somehow makes sense.  For the first time, I'm not agonizing over what someone else is thinking, am I only going to end up finding out that he doesn't want a commitment/marriage/children/etc.? Can he also make me laugh in addition to being intelligent?

No one knows what 2014 will hold, but I am ending 2013 feeling very happy and loved. If nothing else, my 30th year has taught me to get back up and keep trying. I can do more than I thought I could, I can say, "No" as much as I want, I am so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends, which is a lot more than what most have. My problems are all those "first world problems" that in the greater scheme of things are so laughable.