It's no secret that a large part of my 30th year has revolved around my own dating mishaps, and the successes of my friends' and their wedding celebrations. Which forces me to continue reflect on what I want, what I'm looking for, what I'm doing wrong. I celebrated my last wedding shower of the year on Sunday and this Saturday is another wedding.
If you had asked me 10 years ago what my romantic life would be like at 30, I would've been wrong in so many ways. I probably would've said something about being married, working on my own little hockey team. I even recall telling one of my best friends that I just wanted to marry a guy who maybe loved me a little bit more than I did him; because then he'd never leave me, and I was sure that would be enough. I didn't really care about anything else, including my own happiness. Disgusting, I know.
At 20, I wasn't worried about my number of sexual partners, what men wanted from me, whether or not they were lying, and I certainly never thought that I'd be 30 and still single. At 20, I was desperate to be a "grown up", and play out what I thought my image of love and marriage was. Even now as a more jaded, experienced version of myself, I thank God that I didn't marry the first man who looked my way. I am infinitely so different from who I was. If 20 year-old me had made such a life altering decision, 30 year-old me would be at best, amicably divorced. At worst, miserable with my potential progeny.
Sometimes, I long for those simpler times though. Now, I feel like I have to wade through the millions of men from ages 27-40 who may or may not have past marriages (ok), children(ok), mommy issues, fidelity issues, insecurity issues, commitment issues, chemical dependancies (past or present), and the list goes on and on. My two most common scenarios lately are this:
1. Guy leads you on for weeks. Even months. Tells you everything you want to hear. Looking for the one, babies, traveling, all that shit. Best case scenario, you have no chemistry and wish each other the best of luck. Worst case scenario you keep seeing each other, but you notice that you're not even going out together in public anymore (or to begin with). I tend to break these off as soon as I see the pattern, because I've obviously sent the wrong message about the level of commitment and relationship I'm looking for, I'm not giving it away for free.
2. Talk to a guy for a few weeks and he disappears without a trace. You know it's because he's chosen someone over you, which hey, aren't we all looking for someone? No hard feelings. But he doesn't even have the guts to tell you, which is immature and I consider a dodged bullet.
Oh, and everyone who just wants to get laid? Just wait till you're 30, okay? I don't know if it has to do with how comfortable you get with yourself at 30, hormones, pheremones, biology, what, but if all I wanted to do was have sex, I could. 7 nights a week, with 7 different partners. I'm not trying to be crude, because I still certainly don't understand why anyone would actually want to sleep with me, but there seems as though there's no lack of people willing to take it that far; just not willing to have a relationship. Unfortunately for me, but my mama would be so proud, that's not how I play the game. I want to be courted and eventually committed. So, I've had to learn that there is a reason why the best advice is still to keep your clothes on no matter what he, your hormones, or your gut is telling you. So much for being a liberated female and there "being no rules."
Listen - Somewhere, deep down inside, I know I'm a catch. I'm certainly not without my faults. I can have a bad temper, I'm not as pretty as a movie star, I'll never be rich. I'm stubborn and defensive, and I hate being wrong. Traffic makes me absolutely insane. But I'm kind, I'm funny, educated, open-minded. I enjoy sports as much as I enjoy my girl time, so I'll never nag a guy about "watching the game" or hanging out with his friends. I like good beer, I can carry a tune, and I can cook like no one's business. I'm an excellent communicator and I think I'd make a great mother. I'm pretty classy, at least when it counts. In other words; I think I'm a keeper. I want someone to wife the shit out of me. But it seems like at 30, and in the world of instant gratification that we live in, single men aren't looking for, or are too scared to actually invest in a relationship, so there is a disconnect.
I've gotten the there's no chemistry comment after one date before. One date? When I'm nervous enough to even be sitting across from you at a strange restaurant, pushing my salad around my plate, trying to eat even when I'm not hungry so you you won't think I'm being prissy or uninterested? And I'm trying not to curse and I want to be funny and engaging and ask you all the right questions? Likewise, I've had guys want to talk about sex almost immediately. At first it's flattering, because who doesn't want to be desired? But really, you want to talk about that right away? And for the love of God, why do they ask me if my students want to sleep with me? So creepy and inappropriate and NOT a turn on. I've also had guys who have encouraged (more like demanded of) me to have no contact with any other males (including 100% platonic male friends), only to break it off after a few weeks. It all leaves me feeling very unworthy of love. It has nothing to do with feeling pretty or beautiful or smart or desired. I can be told and I feel all of those things. And don't even get me started on musicians. Any way you look at it, the message I end up receiving is that my worth lies solely in my looks and body and what it can or cannot do for a man.
Sometimes I wonder if there was some sweet spot in my mid-to-late twenties that I should have been aware of, and I missed the final departure. I can't imagine myself with man much younger than myself, but what I've observed in the single men my own age and slightly older is two things. 1. They have no intentions of settling down, or if and when they're finally ready, they'll be seeking someone younger and hotter than me. 2. They have run the the same gamut as me (or worse) and the world has affected them too much to where they aren't in a situation to seek a relationship. Sometimes, they can be both.
Now, every other week, I notice a new wrinkle in my forehead, how deep and dark my under eye circles (so common on my Eastern European side) have become, my crow's feet. All things that I don't associate with a happy bride or a new mother. And God knows that I try, but my dress size never will be below double digits. And a part of me tries to let go. Let go of the anxiety and disappointment I feel, let go of the life I had always wanted and assumed I would have. But it's hard to let go, because I don't know what else to hold on to. At 30, dating has lost it's fun, it's excitement. It's become an endless game of "kill, marry, or "screw" that I can't seem to win.
As I said to a friend very recently, it's not that I'm unhappy or lonely. I have a great life, and I have the most amazing friends and family I could possibly imagine. Seriously, they are the coolest. I myself, am not sad as a person. I do and go where I want. And I'm certainly very happy for my friends and the wonderful partners they have in their lives. I would much rather be celebrating the happiness of my friends than being sad for myself anyway, so when those happy days do come around, I'm never sad for myself, I'm enjoying the company of my friends and wishing them a lifetime of happiness, as ever. I won't be that single bridesmaid moping in the corner, mascara running down her cheeks. Well, I might shed a tear or two, but only out of pure joy and sentiment.
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