One of themes I keep noticing in the media and our culture lately is how much shaming there is going on. Slut-shaming, indulgence-shaming, success-shaming, friend-shaming.
If you remember 10 years ago, Sex and the City was all the rage (with women anyway), and everyone wanted to be a Carrie or a Samantha. We wanted exciting sex lives and closets full of Manolos in our Upper East Side apartments. We'd have 3 (and only 3) best friends who all knew each other and shared the same bond. We wanted to be writers or PR people because we would meet so many interesting people, get all kinds of perks, and be oddly introspective as we typed our columns on our laptops. Well, maybe here in Pittsburgh the fantasy is more akin to dating a couple guys on the Steelers or Pens' roster, shopping at Nordstroms, and having wine nights at our Shadyside historic house-turned apartment...
10 years ago, Miranda and Charlotte were lame and boring, too preppy, too understated. They had careers we didn't really relate to or learn a lot about. They were akin to harpies who only served as wet-blankets to Carrie and Samantha's fun-loving, careless lifestyles. They weren't on screen as much, because they didn't have a constant parade of sexual conquests, attention-grabbing outfits, or high profile successes. Miranda was all about her career and Charlotte was all about getting married: Boring!
But for the past few years, it seems that everywhere I turn, there is a facebook status update, a SomeECard, a tv program episode insulting everything from short-shorts to mothers who work too much, to being middle-aged and living like a 30 year old, to someone's choice of friends as "bad". Why? When did we get older and stop accepting people and start seeing them as threats? Is this just the fact that my peers have "gotten older and settled down" and I didn't? Did we evolve right out of some sort of phase we were in, when we wanted to take on the world and do whatever "felt right" to us at the time? Now, the in-thing seems to be having a modest career, a traditional home, stable social life, and a glitzy wedding, but regular marriage.
I recently started thinking about taking a vacation to the Caribbean soon after the New Year. To sort of say good bye to 30, it didn't kill me afterall. And as I carefully construct my plan to save money and take the first vacation I've had in 3 years, and the longest (a week) I've had in 8 years, I started to feel guilty. At least 3 rooms in my house need new flooring. I need to clean the carpets. I need to paint and re-finish the cabinets and basically gut the bathroom. Some of the people I confide in the most, I've known less than 2 years. I've become a serial monogamist. Then, I get so overwhelmed with all that time, all that money, all that personal risk, that I just want to go sit in the fetal position and rock myself into a catatonic state because the light at the end of the tunnel is gone.
I'm feeling guilty and overwhelmed for taking a 1-week vacation after a year of weddings, breakups and working 2 jobs. It sounds insane. But at the same time, you know there would be someone out there judging me, "she's not buying new flooring, but she'll fly to Punta Cana!"
I also find myself sometimes sensoring things because I'm afraid of being judged. I've gone through some extensive personal growth in the past couple years. Yes, I had a lot of growing pains in the process, but I still feel happy with a lot of my choices and where they've led me to. But with growth comes change, and I'll freely admit that I am not the same person I used to be. That's not a bad thing at all, but I worry that without sensoring, or selectively omitting things, people may think I'm "broken" or that something is wrong; that they will think that I'm manifesting some sort of pain or trauma. I'm not any of those things. In fact, I'm embracing a part of me that I was afraid to before and becoming more myself than ever. I'm finding it easier to say "no", (this is a slow road, but I'm making progress). I'm standing up for myself, I'm not worried about offending someone every time I so much as sneeze.
"She's got a second job?!", "She's seeing someone new again?!", "She said 'No?' That's not like her." Yes, that is me. Because I'm on a quest to better myself and make myself happy. If that means that I work my ass off for a couple years so I can have nice things and to invest in my future, or if I say no because I need to some alone time, or if I don't dwell on guys who aren't worth it, so what? What's wrong with that? I'm not going to apologize for being well-adjusted or because we don't have the same life.
And that's not to say that I don't want or appreciate other lifestyles. I have many close friends who are married, both with and without kids. Families that might have one partner who is a stay at home parent. I have friends who never travel because planes scare them. Friends who don't drink or go out because they don't enjoy it. I have friends with so many interests and choices, yet with all of them, there is common ground somewhere. These friendships work, and more often than not, thrive.
I'm tired of feeling guilty for trusting my gut. I've always somehow known a lot about myself, others and relationships, all based on tiny cues and my own intuition. Sometimes, I only wish I could say my gut is wrong. So please, for whatever reason it is you are shaming, whether it's your insecurities, or your judgements, just stop. Unless you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, you have no clue what they're going through or why they do the things they do. And if you were honestly concerned about them, you'd reach out and ask.
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