The Lying Game

"I'm okay"
"I don't think about her/him anymore"
"It will get better"
"I'm better than she/he is"
"I'm right"
"I deserve/earned this"

These are a sampling of the lies we tell ourselves every day. And it's not a question of if we lie to ourselves. It's what lies do we tell ourselves and why.

It's too hard to have conflicting thoughts or values; it leads to anxiety, fear, etc. We call this cognitive dissonance. Then, we tell ourselves something to stop the dissonance.  But how deep do you go with your false realities? Do you seek out information to confirm what you want to hear? Do you justify or rationalize?

Sometimes these lies we tell ourselves are what we need to say in order to make it through the day so we can do it all again tomorrow. Sometimes they are truths that we don't quite believe or can't see yet. As much as I value being honest, honest with myself and with others, I find myself sugar coating things because I've deemed the alternative unacceptable. Sometimes I just have to "fake it until I make it"; I tell myself something until it is true, or until whatever it is causing me to be anxious has passed and it's no longer an issue.

I'm not trying to be depressing here, quite the opposite. I want you to know that you're not alone. Even a blunt, forthright person like myself has to tell herself little lies. We need these lies for many different reasons, but make sure you're examining your reasons closely. How invested are your getting in your lies? How is that affecting your relationships? How is that affecting the relationship you have with yourself? Are you building a world where things are positive or negative? Did you forget or lose the truth at some point?

What of the lies we tell each other? Some of the lies you tell yourself, you tell others as well. It helps make them more believeable, it helps validate them. And I don't know about you, but I am quite guilty of the lie of omission. There are a great many things I don't tell others because I'm convinced that no one will understand, or they won't feel the same way I do, or I'll misinterpreted.

One of my trade secrets: Because of this lie of omission, I've become an excellent communicator in other aspects, and an expert listener. The more I can steer the conversation around small talk, the other person, current events, anything else, the less I have to reveal. I've developed this because I realized that when you're quiet, people know, or think they know, that you're deep in thought. Or that something is bothering you. Or that you're shy. Then, they spend a lot of time and attention trying to draw you out. Well, the best defense is a good offense, so why not prevent that whole cat and mouse game?

Then, there are the lies we tell others because we know it's what they want to hear.

"Oh yes, that looks great on you!"
"No, I don't think it's a big deal"
"You're right, So-and-So is a bitch!"
"Don't worry, everything is going to work out"
"No, it won't be that hard"
"You can totally lose 50 pounds in 12 weeks!"

I try not to tell these too often, because I'd rather be respected for my integrity, than only kept around as a yes-woman. A lot of it has to do with how receptive the listener is. If I know they are in no way, shape, or form looking for honesty, nor would they appreciate, let alone welcome it, I lie. But with my close friends, or with important things, I try to never lie, or at least sugarcoat a big grain of truth in my answer.

Not to mention the lies we tell to "get out" of something.

"I'm sick"
"I'm busy"
"I forgot"
"I have a family thing"
"I have to work"

Of course this is a specific situation, but I was with a faculty friend of mine who happened to be giving their first exam of the term. During our short meeting, they recieved no less than 5 e-mails, a mere two hours prior to giving the exam. Every exuse from headache to "forgetting" to having too much on their plate. Are you kidding me?

My point is, there are situations or individuals where this type of lie is a pattern. Not a coincidence, not a last minute wrench in the plans. These are deliberate lies. And they are very easy to see through. Yes, things happen, the world isn't perfect. But unless you're telling the truth, or some kind of a pathological liar willing to commit to and live in a false reality, these are poor excuses for something you just don't feel like doing. Come on, at least be honest.

You see, lies are only a short term answer. They are simply bandaids for things that only time and the truth can heal. A person willing or ready to face the truth will finally fix the things that are wrong so they won't need to lie anymore. But the question is, how much damage are you doing in the meantime with the bandaids? Everyone knows that wounds need the proper amount of oxygen to heal. Smothering them with a bandaid, especially the wrong bandaid, or keeping the bandaid on for too long makes them worse. And sometimes, ripping a bandaid off is more painful than the cut itself.

So remember that you need a daily dose of truth. You need to be self aware. Are you frantically trying to patch up a dam that's ready to burst or put a bandaid on a chainsaw wound? Or are you putting a bandaid on a papercut that will be gone by tomorrow?