I try really hard to avoid the whole issue around Valentine's Day, aside from a totally superficial standpoint. As in, I'll use it as in excuse to send dumb stuff through the interoffice mail, or have heart shaped foods at a girls night at my house. But anything more, I feel is a waste of time at this point in my life. If I love it, I'm a mushy, romantic, sentimental, silly woman. If I hate it, I'm a bitter, hurt, obviously single woman. I can't win, nor do I care to.
I actually don't mind the idea that people everywhere take a day to let each other know how loved and appreciated their spouse, significant other, friends, family, etc. are. So many people use the argument that, "You shouldn't need a special day to tell someone you care." I don't follow that logic. Because if that's the case, we don't need birthdays to remind us that we're happy someone was born (or relieved they made another year). We don't need Christmas or Passover or Ramadan to remind us of our faith. We don't need St. Patty's Day or San Rocco or Oktoberfest to remind us of our heritage or culture.
Really, we don't need any of those holidays. But we keep them. It's tradition. They remind us of what's important. It's a way to celebrate and bring people together. So is Valentine's Day. Think about it. How much do you take the people in your life for granted? See last week's post about lying if right now you're saying that you don't. You do. I do. We all do. I have a really difficult time expressing my feelings, sentiment especially. I can't even do it through greeting cards where someone else writes the words for me! More often than not, I give out funny ones. Even to my mom. Even for Mother's Day.
As much and as deeply as I might love someone, and I try to never mistreat them or take them for granted, I'm sure there are times that they feel taken for granted or wonder how I feel. Because I absolutely never say it, and I don't always show it. Believe me, if you've received so much as a compliment, or dare I say, affection from me, I really mean it and you mean a lot to me.
This year was going to be like so many others for me. It's just another day; do nice things for people, tell my friends and family I love them, and go on with my day. Forget that in the past year and a half, I've been in my own personal emotional rollercoaster. I'm great at rationalizing and compartmentalizing though, and I thought that I came out of it all relatively unscathed. Besides; I have so much to be thankful for.
Then this weekend though, for about the zillionth time, someone mistook my best friend for my boyfriend. And then, I remembered how alone I really was, and how having so many friends of the opposite sex can give people the wrong impression or complicate things. Compounded by the fact that I started feeling feelings (I hate that), and ran into people or saw things that were absolutely not part of my weekend plans. So from Friday night on, I've pretty much been having a massive pity party for myself.
Why is it that in a world where technology and money are king, and we take each other for granted, is "love" such a driving force? For so many of us, it's what we base much of our personal success on. Maybe it all comes down to biology. That factor that we can't ignore and leads us to want find someone and procreate. Pass on our DNA, leave a legacy. And the fear of dying alone. I can't seem to avoid it. At my age, my grandparents had 4 kids. My parents were married. My other set of grandparents was married and had their 2 kids. And while life expectancy has increased and we live longer, arguably fuller lives, our window of procreating or being "conventionally attractive" has not increased. And ladies, men don't face this argument the way we do, if at all. I can't blame them. If this is an argument of science, science has shown that they can father children their entire lives. So if they're breathing, biology is on their side. As is thousands of years of culture and socialization.
I could blame my mother, as many women do. She would happily accept a marriage or grandchild (planned or unplanned) tomorrow. I can also blame society, another popular scapegoat. But the truth of the matter is, as hard as I've fought to be my own person, I made the decision to embrace this mother/wife role on some level, a long time ago, myself. So while I would love to remain the standoffish, unflappable person I strive to be, I'm faced with a reality that many women my age are also facing: the idea that "it" may never happen for you.
"It" being a traditional marriage and babies. Because believe it or not, the ice queen herself, miss independent, daddy's girl, Annie Oakley wannabe actually wants that. On my own terms of course; as my fictional hero, Elizabeth Bennet said, "I am determined that nothing but the deepest love could ever induce me into matrimony." But I still wanted it. I am so jealous of my friends who remain ambiguous on this. Because while there is that margin of error for regret for them, I already feel a sense of regret to my core. Regret, despite my best efforts. Despite the fact that I love my career, have a masters, have amazing family and friends.
As I write this blog, I'm actually ashamed of myself for being depressed about this. So many people in this world would kill for this life and the things I've accomplished. And it's a wonderful life. My family, friends, and colleagues are amazing people I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm always busy doing something fun with them. I know that lifestyle would change if I were to meet someone, get married, and have kids, so I do appreciate that. I know a lot of people sometimes wish they had the free time or options I have. It would definitely be hard to give up.
I don't know if it's the embarrassment for being sad, faith that I'll come to terms, or just plain a lack of time, but I decided that by Valentine's Day, I had to stop this pity party on it's tracks. The only problem is that I don't know how. When it comes to so many things, I at least have an idea. Drain doesn't work? Shut off the water and take apart the pipes. Gizmo is being weird? Feed him, make sure he has water, let him out, and play with him. Cupcakes are flat? Try new baking powder. Emotional things, I'm not so good at. I observe and advise people for a living. I'm more self aware than most. But I've completely hit a road block here. This may not be an easy or quick fix. I don't know if it's just time, or figuring out what it could be that will fulfill me the way I felt about being Suzie Homemaker. My only idea right now is being a modern-day gypsy. I could travel, sing, advise, be a storyteller...It would be interesting.
A lot of my friends have told me, "It will happen", or "You're still young!" I appreciate it, because I know it comes from a place of loving me and realizing that I'm totally awesome. And I know that I have the next 50 or so years of my life to meet someone. I'm not saying that I'm now rejecting something that I wanted. But not everyone does meet someone. Not every woman who wants to be a mother becomes one. Remember from last week's post, I don't like sugar coating, and this is just reality. Why should I keep clinging to something that may or may not happen? I'm not really closing a door as much as I'm looking for more doors. There are things that I can go out there and try or do or acheive. I can make those happen. Hell, I might even enjoy it.
In many of my blogs, so far, I've tried to wrap some wisdom in my words. But I feel that this week, I don't have anything to specific to impart. Honestly, I'm not normally like this. I don't like feeling all emotional and helpless or desperate. I even hesitated in writing this entry because I didn't want to expose that side of myself. I've edited this a million times, trying to find the right words or tone. But I want to look back some day, no matter what happens, so I can remember this and reflect on it. I will leave you with this: to the single girls out there who feel conflicted, you're not alone. And to those not single, I hope you feel fulfilled and are still having fun, whether you've been together 2 weeks or 40 years.
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