This blog has certainly been a place for reflection for me, and while I was working on a different entry, I felt compelled to write about something else this week before it escaped me. What was so diverting, you may ask? Feelings and what goes left unsaid. Don't worry, my pity party from last week has ended, I'm currently referring to generalities. After writing about the lies we tell and the unpleasant realities in the search for love, I didn't want to lose the momentum of thought I was experiencing.
First, I made the observation that we leave a great deal unsaid in our lives. The "I miss you", "please don't go", or "take me with you". The "I love you", or "I'm falling for you". Or how about "No, I'm not okay" or "No, I can't do this"? "I'm proud of you" or "I'm hurt". I don't know about you, but there are a great many things that I don't say every day.
I am familiar with the old adages that "Some things are best left unsaid" and "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". And often, these are excellent pieces of advice. Believe it or not, I don't always just want to watch the world burn. Rocking the boat has it's time and place.
This a two sided coin though. On one hand, how different would our lives be if we shared some of those feelings more often? If you've been reading, I'm sure you've realized by now that I wonder "What if?" sometimes and there are times that I wish I'd been more open with my feelings. How many opportunities have passed us by because we've left things unsaid or done? How many situations have merited my input or thoughts, and I withheld them? It's not good to dwell on these, but maybe we can learn from them.
On the other hand however, how much of what we have felt has been fleeting or false? To acknowledge things out loud can make them too real, and that's not always a good thing. Once something is spoken or done, it can't be taken back. When I think about all the emotions I've felt, or the impulsive things I have said and done, there are a few I wish I could take back. I've said things or felt things, both good and bad, that in hindsight just didn't make sense. In those cases, it is better to leave things unsaid.
And what about others' feelings? Sometimes you have to hold in that secret because it's what is best for someone else or the greater good. When honesty is the best policy fails, spilling your guts to relieve your own mind isn't really fair. Sure, it makes for a great scene in a film; girl tells lonely boy she loves him before he catches a plane to go across the country and pursue his dream. Boy stops girl from marrying Mr. Perfect just before she says "I do" because he's finally realized what he let go. Great at the cinema. But what happens after that climactic, emotional moment? In the theater, the credits roll. In real life, there are consequences.
Yes, the world has jaded me, and yes, I've built plenty of walls. I do want to work on that because I know I have a lot to learn. And let's face it, perhaps being a sentimental person is my last and bravest frontier since I've tried everything else. But that doesn't change the fact that we all leave things unsaid. We have to. The key to this though, is using wisdom to tell us what should and shouldn't be said. Because emotions and feelings can be so temporary, and our words or actions can affect others, a judgement call must be made. Which brings me back to advice I heard many years ago, and seems applicable in almost any situation:
Ask yourself, "How will this affect me in 1 year/5 years/10 years?"
Opportunity cost is something we will always have to deal with in life. We miss opportunities every single day and make these choices all day long. What to eat for lunch. How to phrase that e-mail. Should I buy those shoes? Say "yes" to that date? Tell someone how I feel?
Some choices are bigger or more important than others, but we shouldn't agonize over every decision. We would never wonder "what if" in reference to our choice of clothing every day. Likewise, we shouldn't devote so much time to wondering the same thing about our high school crush, our deceased loved one, the job we didn't take. For every choice you make, the other half of the equation remains. At best, we are grateful for the wise choices, but we never dwell on the negative that *could* have happened. It's the unwise or impulsive choices that tend to leave us with regret.
I say, let go of your regret, my friends. We are all leaving things unspoken and asking ourselves the same questions. Opportunities come and go, as do our emotions. Treat each other well and put forth good karma. It will be okay.
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