This is a question I ask students all the time to get them practicing for job interviews, and it seems so routine to me now. But this week, I'm looking at it in a different light. For those of you who are Christians, you are currently observing Lent. For those not famililar, Lent is a period of 40 days, beginning with Ash Wednesday and culminating with the crufixition of Christ. Which then of course, is followed by the celebration of Easter afterwards. 40 is relevant because Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness while being tempted by Satan; also the duration is mentioned several times in the Old Testament. It is 6 weeks where Christians are to reflect, not only on the Jesus' final days and message, but also on themselves and to repent for their sins and engage in some penance or self improvement to prepare for His ressurection.
My given name, Stacy, is the Irish form of Eustace, meaning fruitful or steadfast. But it is more familiarly known as the short form of the Greek Anastasia, meaning ressurection. So it's no suprise that I would be constantly trying to improve and re-invent myself. Not in the Madonna way of reinvention, though. Being a Christian, even if I'm sometimes a bad one, I still try to observe Lent. This is because I believe that regardless of my religiousness (is that a word?) or lack thereof; reflection, transcendance and improvement are valuable lessons for everyone.
In the Catholic faith, you are taught to abstain or "give something up" for Lent. Many people give up things such as smoking, drinking, candy, tv, basically giving up a vice. This is to serve as a reminder of the sacrifices that Jesus made in order to grant believers everlasting life. I think it also serves to remind us that many people have gone without these things and remain without these things.We can too, and with all of our extra time or money, we could do something constructive with it. Some people decide that instead of giving something up, they add to their lives by giving back or doing something good for themselves, their family, or their community. Catholics also fast and/or abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. This fasting used to last for all 40 days, but obviously the Church has bent the rules over the centuries. You can still eat fish when fasting because of a deal the Church struck with the fishermen. Think about it, Italy (where the Pope is) is a penninsula. If for 6 weeks no one bought fish, it would be bad news.
But I digress, as usual.
I, like so many other Christians in the world have been doing some self-examination and thinking about things I should improve upon. I have a great many vices I'm working on, but they are only one of the facets of myself that I can work on. One thing that I've been noticing about myself is that I like to control a conversation. Not necessarily do all the talking, because that is exhausting. But I like to control the tone, the occurance, the approach, the frequency. And I absolutely depise being questioned or challenged. I don't know where this defensive streak comes from, nor do I know exactly how long I've been that way. Yes, I'm stubborn; who doesn't like things their own way? That's not news to me. But lately, I've been noticing that I cringe when people say "Hi", because I don't want to engage in conversation. I feel supremely annoyed that they dare talk to me. Or if they ask me a question in conversation, I immediately see it as doubt and get defensive. I never thought I was like that, and it's definitely not a habit I want to keep.
I've known for a long time that I'm naturally introverted, that I need lots of alone time, and I live inside my head, but I never thought of myself as a humbug, a cold scrooge. When I catch myself doing those things, that's what I feel like though. I could make excuses, but the reality is that everyone is over-worked, underpaid, tired, whatever. This comes down to my responsibility to be a better person. 99% of the people I'm around, no matter how much money they make, where they live, when their last vacation was, they're all fighting this same fight. While maybe I'm better than some, I'm still not being the person I want to be. And even if the emotion isn't making it's way to the surface and isn't noticible, it's only a matter of time before it does.
In fact, I recently got this in the interoffice mail:
My coworkers and I send stuff to each other all the time as inside jokes or cute messages. I have no way of knowing who sent it, if this was what they wanted me to read in the article, or why the article made them think of me. But, no matter the reason, this was a definite reminder to me that maybe I should stop being such a prickly burr.
Maybe if I'm getting so defensive, I am not as sure of myself as I think I am. Why else do people get defensive? Having a chip on my shoulder is something I've had for a long time for many reasons, but it's never reared its head this way before where everything was a challenge to me. It makes me think that I don't want to think about my motivations or my potential shortcomings. I've never liked repeating myself, and I've always felt that was understandable, but there is no reason why I should feel so put off by explaining myself. If I don't want to face my weaknesses, then I cannot expect change or improvement. It's not enough to want to change. You have to understand why you should change, what needs to change, and how to not to revert.
I'm a big believer that "if the shoe fits, wear it". Often, when I see people having disproportionate reactions to statements or situations, I discern that they are hiding something or feeling defensive. I don't want to be one of those people who are going around being a victim or is hard to talk to because I'm always reading into things defensively. So while working on all the external things I normally work on during the Lenten season, internally, I'm going to start with more positive thinking and reflection: hopefully that will help my mindset be more open and friendly, if for no one else but myself.
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